


significant other

by bluishglow



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Cheating, Child Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Drama, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Gay, Horny Teenagers, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Masturbation, Mutual Pining, Pining Oikawa Tooru, Public Masturbation, Sad Oikawa Tooru, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Smut, Soulmates, Volleyball Dorks in Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-18 14:26:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 12
Words: 27,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29119683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluishglow/pseuds/bluishglow
Summary: Tooru loves his best friend. Iwa has a girlfriend. A lot of shit goes wrong. Listen, I'm not giving any spoilers, just know it's got drama, angst, fluff, smut, everything you'd want in an Iwaoi fic.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 32
Kudos: 125





	1. somebody else might take my place

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg hi and thank you for choosing to read this :0  
> i'll take all of your feedback seriously and use it for this work and future works to come.  
> thank u so much loves  
> <3

Oikawa felt completely empty, laying on his back and staring at the flickering candle-light that barely showed on the ceiling. The room was blue and orange and smelled like candle wax. His head was at the foot of the bed, his feet stretched out so they rested on one of his pillows.

Empty.

Not sad, though. All of the sadness he had inside of his body was burnt up within the last few hours of sulking. Maybe empty was in the same family as sad.

He got up and walked down the hall to his bathroom, careful not to make a noise. He counted the panels and skipped the sixth one that always startled him when he stepped on it and it creaked loud enough to echo. Inside the bathroom, he flipped the light switch on and looked at himself in the mirror.

The lights were blinding white. Oikawa scanned himself to see if he looked different. The person staring back at himself was the same as always. He half-expected to see a hollow shell of some sort, some indicator of his life completely changing moments before. Minutes passed before he sighed and left the bathroom, switching the light off on the way out but not bothering to close the door behind him.

Back in his bed, he positioned himself correctly in bed this time. It was getting late; he had to get some rest soon or else morning practice tomorrow would be hell. Well, it would be hell anyway having to see his face again. Maybe he was being dramatic. Oikawa turned onto his side and bit down on the inside of his cheek to stop the pools of water from forming in his eyes. _This is ridiculous, again? I thought I decided not to be sad anymore._ The 17-year-old grabbed a second pillow and hugged it tightly, pressing his face into it and exhaling. He wasn’t sad. There was no use being sad over something that was his own fault.

In an attempt to finally try and go to sleep, his mind drifted exactly where he didn’t want it to go.

_“You’re fucking stupid, Tooru. Why would I ever want to be with you?”_

Okay, maybe that’s not what he said exactly.

_“Why would you tell me this now?”_

Those were the exact words Iwaizumi Hajime had used to reject Oikawa’s indiscreet confession. They hurt like daggers.

He didn’t even want this to happen, to just reveal his most embarrassing inner thoughts that h himself wasn’t even sure of, but Tooru the fucking emotional teen made an impulsive decision once again.

It was after afternoon practice, and Iwa had come over to Oikawa’s house as usual. They both showered and changed and went into their usual routine: Iwa working on homework while sitting somewhere on the floor, and Oikawa scrolling through videos on his phone when in reality he watched the other boy’s facial expressions as he thought through difficult problems. Iwa had a habit of chewing on his knuckle when he was extremely concentrated and it recently began to show mild scars.

“Stop doing that,” Tooru found himself saying to Iwa who had his back pressed against the side of his bed. 

Iwa grunted in response and wiped his finger on his shirt, returning to grab his pencil. His hands were wide and calloused, with decently long fingers and a longer palm. _Fire hand,_ Oikawa recalled from an astrology book his aunt got him a couple of months ago. He used to think astrology was silly but then found out it was actually really cool to think about. It was a nice spirit lifter to believe that people’s lives could be ruled by the stars. Maybe he believed it, maybe he didn’t. 

He was still staring at Iwa’s hands until he realized that they’d stilled. He looked up and met Hajime’s eyes. 

“Why are you staring at me shitty-kawa?” A smile was hidden faintly behind those lips and Tooru felt his face get warm.

He returned his eyes to his phone. “I’m not staring at you, I’m staring at my phone.”

“You little brat.” Oikawa’s dick twitched under his sweatpants and then he realized he’d been hard for a while. Thank god his pants were baggy.

“You know I saw you.” Iwaizumi continued, now straightening his body to face Oikawa a little better. 

Their faces were about two feet apart, but it felt like barely an inch at this point. Tooru couldn’t avoid it now. Unable to come up with a reason that _didn’t_ sound gay, he managed to croak out, “I liked how your hands looked.”

Silence.

“I mean like when you were writing. You were holding your pencil kinda tight and you looked strong.” His voice was shaky. _I want to know what it would feel like to be grabbed by the throat with those hands, too._

Oikawa suppressed his inner wishes and looked at Iwa expectantly, who surprisingly didn’t break eye contact. He just forced out a quiet, “oh, okay,” and returned to his homework. The energy in his bedroom was significantly different now, at least to Oikawa. They used to be so comfortable with each other but over the past three months a divide developed caused by a sudden realization of what Tooru felt towards his best friend. Once it clicked in his mind, everything was different.

For a little bit, Tooru had hope that Hajime felt the same way. He wasn’t an affectionate person; his expression was usually stoic and he avoided touching others when it wasn’t for scolding or greeting. Oikawa had always been an exception… maybe it was due to their complete trust and fondness for one another. Maybe it was something else. They always slept in the same bed when they had sleepovers and wouldn't question when they woke up with one on top of the other or their bodies entangled in such a way where the teens were touching each other more than they weren’t. They’d simply pull apart and never acknowledge it. Sometimes Tooru would wake up before the other and stay, as still as possible, just to enjoy the moment that he wished he could get while they were both awake. 

For a little bit, things were looking up and Tooru allowed his fantasies to travel where they wanted to, hoping that they’d become realities. 

For a little bit.

Then Iwa got a girlfriend.

It was a cute brunette girl a year below them, Watanabe Ichika. She was sixteen years old and president of the Art Club. Always smiling, popular and cheerful. She’d made the first move and it wasn’t long until Oikawa got the dreaded text from his best friend.

  
  
  


From: iwa-chan <3

To: Shittykawa

Subject: bcjdhdhfi

Message:

Hey

  
  
  


From: Shittykawa

To: iwa-chan <3

Subject: bcjdhdjfi

Message:

hi! what’s up? you coming over

  
  
  


From: iwa-chan <3

To: Shittykawa

Subject: bcjdhdhfi

Message:

No, I’m with Nabe. I was gonna tell you we’re official now.

  
  
  


From: Shittykawa

To: iwa-chan <3

Subject: bcjdhdjfi

Message:

interesting… and you weren’t official when you had your tongues down each others throats last week?

  
  
  


From: Shittykawa

To: iwa-chan <3

Subject: bcjdhdjfi

Message:

;)

  
  
  


From: iwa-chan <3

To: Shittykawa

Subject: bcjdhdhfi

Message:

Shut up.

  
  
  


From: iwa-chan <3

To: Shittykawa

Subject: bcjdhdhfi

Message:

I think I really like her…

This is where Tooru decided not to respond. His tears were making it hard to type, anyway. Iwa hooking up with girls was fine. It was common, especially recently… he hadn’t become popular with women until they started coming to volleyball games. Oikawa was still more popular with girls, and also hooked up with them from time to time. This was fine. The only issue was that Iwa hadn’t talked about having feelings for a girl since they were first-years. 

Iwa having _feelings_ for a girl meant that she was the first person on his mind. It completely went against Tooru’s “I’m his favorite so he can fuck anyone he wants” mindset. Tooru always knew that he would forever be more important than any girl Iwa interacted with in that way. But having a girlfriend… that was completely different.

Of course now there was the added factor of wanting to take her place. 

Continuing to watch Iwa scribble numbers on his paper with his neat but too dark handwriting, Oikawa swallowed and opened his mouth to speak. The air was still.

He closed his mouth again because it got dry and he shifted his legs slightly, exhaling. Damn, even his breathing was shaky. He didn’t know what he was about to do, but he was gonna do it anyway. “Iwaizumi,” he started, now sitting up so that his head was almost directly above Iwa’s.

Iwa jumped and lifted his face, meeting his eyes once, then lowering his gaze to notice how flushed his friend’s cheeks were. “What?” he almost barked while connecting their eyes again. It sounded angry but in reality it was nerves as well.

At this point the temperature in the room went up a whole degree, causing the air-conditioner to kick in again. The noise was sudden and jarring, making them flinch in unison and also knocking Oikawa away from his train of thought once again. “Fuck,” he let out in mild frustration and Iwa backed up. 

“Are you alright? You look flushed. Do you have a fever?”

The natural care-taker in Hajime couldn’t have come out at a worse time. He jumped up and left the room, leaving Oikawa sitting alone in his room without saying what he needed to say. The perfect moment had left him. Iwa returned with the thermometer that he knew the exact location of due to how many times he had to check Tooru.

He got on top of the bed on his knees and walked forward on them until he was over Tooru, who was simultaneously backing himself up. “I’m fine, Iwa. Stop,” 

“No, you’re not.” Using one hand to push Oikawa’s chest down onto the headboard, he held the thermometer in the other while grabbing his jaw and basically prying it open.

“What are y-”

Iwa shoved the thermometer under Oikawa’s tongue and pushed his mouth closed a little more gently. He pulled his other arm away and crossed them both over his chest. “Thirty seconds, okay? And you’ve been acting strange all day. You’re not smiling, you’re not teasing me. You’re also calling me _Iwa,_ not Iwa- _chan,_ and that’s extremely uncharacteristic of you.”

Oikawa didn’t hear any of this because all he could focus on was how the dude he was in love with was basically straddling him. He kept his wide eyes on his chest, careful to be completely still as to make sure Iwa didn’t accidentally shuffle and feel how fucking hard he was.

It felt like forever until the thermometer beeped and once it did, Iwa removed it swiftly. He backed up and sat on the outer corner of the bed closer to the light to read the number. 

“... well, you don’t have a fever. What the hell.”

When Hajime turned his head, Tooru was on all fours an inch away from his face.

“What the fuck?” Jumping backwards, he stumbled off the bed but managed to regain his balance once standing. “What the fuck are you trying to do?”

“Iwa-chan…”

Tooru closed his mouth once he recognized anger in his eyes. 

“No, don’t fucking call me that. You were gonna kiss me weren’t you?”

Oikawa stood up and frantically approached Iwa who seemed to be on fire. His hands waved in front of him. “I’m sorry! I just-”

Iwa grabbed his left wrist and stared at him. There wasn’t so much anger anymore, more like… Oikawa squinted slightly. He couldn’t tell what exactly the feeling was behind his eyes, but he knew it was bad.

“I’ve kinda wanted to for a while.”

There, he said it. Kinda. That’s not how he wanted to word it but the idea was out there, any idiot with half a brain cell would know what that meant.

Letting go, Iwa swallowed and turned his body to face slightly away.

“Why would you tell me this now?”

Oh, _fuck._ His fucking _girlfriend._ Oikawa was even more stupid than he thought. In the heat of the moment she was so completely irrelevant, but why would he even assume that? They’d been dating for five weeks now. Five weeks of confirmed feelings between those two, and Tooru’s dumb ass thought he could just kiss him and make it all mean nothing.

Hajime left soon after that, grabbing his schoolwork and bag quickly, with no other words exchanged between them.

The whole scene replayed in Tooru’s head for hours and he didn’t leave his bed until that trip to the bathroom.

Empty.

Empty.

Empty.

He must’ve reduced his body water percentage down ten percent from all of the crying.

Squeezing his pillow even tighter, he finally fell asleep to imagining how the night could’ve gone if Iwa loved him the same way.

  
  



	2. maybe you're right, maybe this is all that i can be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a flashback to a party and an important event between oikawa and iwa.
> 
> (here's a little help if you're confused on the timeline.
> 
> oikawa realizes his crush in september.
> 
> this party is in october.
> 
> iwa and nabe start dating in november.)

**Two months prior,**

Iwa dragged his skinnier best friend by the wrist, not particularly worried about if he would hurt him or not. His heels dug into the grass of his front lawn in protest.

“Iwaaa,” he whined, twisting his arm every which way to escape his grasp. The other boy was too busy using all of his strength to make sure Oikawa _knew_ he had to go to this party with him. Actually, he probably wasn’t using all of his strength. Iwa was stronger than him.

It was hot.

“Come _on,_ Loser-kawa, you love parties- umph-”

The last noise was due to Tooru mischievously deciding not to pull back anymore and allowing Iwa to pull his full body weight into his own body. Though Iwa still remained standing, the other boy’s plan mildly backfired as he tumbled onto the soft grass, laughing. Of course he wanted to go to the party, he just loved being a pain in Hajime’s ass.

Because that face of frustration was oh-so-sexy.

He admired it from the ground for a moment and then allowed his friend to help him up. Mmm, the feeling of his rough but soft and calloused hands. He was one of the only people who got to feel this feeling as often as he did. He almost let his hand linger slightly as he stood up, but willed against it. There would be enough time for touching with an actual excuse later: alcohol. Iwa wasn’t much of a drinker but he _was_ one to stay true to his own word. And they’d made a bet on who could drink more earlier. Yeah it was a stupid bet… one of them was gonna end up blacking out tonight, and it was probably gonna be himself.

The two started to walk in step down the dimly lit street. The air was warm, but with the signature chilly breeze of early September hitting them lightly in the gaps between their clothing. There was never a silent moment between them for longer than three minutes (with exceptions of sleeping, studying or watching something probably but even then Oikawa had stupid remarks to make.)

“Ahh, I didn’t get Kindaichi a gift. Is that gonna be okay you think?”

“I don’t think it’s that kind of party Oikawa…”

“Well _obviously_ I know what kind of party it is. But it’s the kid’s birthday.”

“Get him something tomorrow and bring it so school then if you feel so bad.”

Kindaichi’s house was about half a mile from Oikawa’s and they arrived in a few minutes. The small brick home was almost cottage-like, with two floors and cute exterior decorating. Flower bushes, pastel yellow window frames… yeah, Kindaichi’s parents would definitely kill him if they found out exactly what their kid was doing for his birthday. He shrugged and walked up to the front door, inviting himself inside. Wasn’t his problem.

The room was already buzzing with nervously excited first-years, some on the volleyball team and some not. A couple recognized Tooru and their faces showed ‘awe’ in separate ways; one’s jaw hung slightly ajar while two others kept sneaking glances over. Oikawa snickered and in response widened his shoulders a bit and increased his presence. 

“Kindaichi!”

The younger teen popped his head out from the kitchen, also cute and cottage-like.

“Oh, Oikawa-senpai! You made it!” 

He practically ran over to greet his upperclassmen, two open beers in hand. Some of the liquid sloshed out of the opening and onto the floor. Iwa clicked his tongue in distaste from behind him, also noticing. Kindaichi handed the two third-years the beers and left them almost as fast as he approached. Making his way to the kitchen as Iwa followed, Oikawa eyed his younger teammate as he spoke to yet another group of students whom had just arrived. Oikawa’s eyes flicked to his left and met Iwa’s which spoke for him. This was Kindaichi’s first party like this and they were probably gonna have to do some damage control. The beer in Tooru’s hand had just about a sip left, and he leaned against the wall while pouring the cool drink down his throat. He smacked his lips and lolled his head to the side. 

“I finished my first, Iwa-chan. Your turnnnn-”

He stopped short when Iwa held up two already empty bottles with a ferocious grin. Tooru’s eyes widened slightly at the realization.

“Wow, _two?_ You’re impressive. Pass me another one.”

Iwa, standing next to the cooler, grabbed two more and passed one to his friend and joined him against the wall. They were a couple of inches apart and Tooru could’ve sworn the temperature in the room went up by a degree. He turned his head slightly to watch the other, facing away to scan the crowd of rowdy teens. The lighting in the kitchen was yellow and homey. It accentuated the curvature of Iwa’s neck, just slightly visible under his sweatshirt and denim jacket combo. Tooru’s eyes followed the smooth line of his neck to the dip under his jawline below his ear, and almost sighed out loud when he saw it flex. Iwa was clenching his teeth in response to some underclassman spilling his fruit cooler everywhere. He turned his head forward to continue drinking his beer and Oikawa jolted his head forward in response. Unfortunately, he may have turned too hard because he smacked the back of his head off of the hardwood wall. Hissing in mild pain, he reached to grab the spot but instead of feeling his own hair, his hand met another.

“Are you okay?”

Hajime was leaning over him with concern splayed across his face and a hand already on the spot. The warmth of his palm subdued the ache that began to form under his skin. Maybe. Maybe he just couldn’t feel the pain because Iwaizumi was basically on top of him in that moment. His eyes fluttered for a second trying to remember what he’d said, he saw his mouth move but didn’t really listen to the words, and then Iwa pulled his head forward gently by the hair and placed a cold unopened beer against the back of his head. He held it there and watched his eyes expectantly. 

“Does this feel any better?”

 _No,_ he wanted to say, _put your hand back. Put your fingers in my hair again, I want to feel them. You’re so warm._

“Mhcold,” was all he let himself say as he watched the other sigh and return to his position with his back against the wall while still keeping the beer bottle in place. A sudden crash made them both jolt. Iwa pulled the bottle away and placed it in Oikawa’s hand.

“You hold it there for a bit. I’ll be back.”

He turned his body and started out of the kitchen, mumbling something along the lines of “someone needs to keep these boys in check.”

Iwa had this habit of treating only Oikawa like he was his own child. It was endearing, seeing that he genuinely cared about his well-being. Ever since they were in middle-school, Iwa was always the first to tend to his injuries and make sure he was feeling okay. He developed an interest in health actually, strange for a preteen boy, but science was always his favorite class anyway. When they started to learn about the body systems, Iwa would ask to check Oikawa’s pulse at random times. It was strange and he refused once in a while, but after seeing that it was a genuine concern of his friend’s he gave in. The habit stopped in less than a year but was replaced by new ones, changing every once in a while. Now that they were older it all just meshed into a constant making sure he was okay. Tooru smiled and looked at the beer bottle in hand. Iwa loved him. It was definitely in a caring way a close friend would, but it was still love. Love for him.

He cracked open the beer with his teeth and began to chug.

Iwaizumi returned and sighed at the sight of his friend getting ahead of him.

“I can’t leave you alone for more than five minutes, can I?” and he gave him a lopsided grin. Oikawa saw that grin in his dreams the most. It was so rare, so special, so _his._ Iwa didn’t smile for other people. Ever. Maybe once in a while he would flash one of those fake smiles, the performative ones that remind everyone that he’s not a psycho-killer. Iwa reserved his real smiles for Tooru only, and just the thought of that made him even warmer than he already was. He was a little tipsy, especially having always been a lightweight.

Oikawa didn’t notice that he’d slid down and sat on the floor until Iwa joined him, sitting with his legs crossed. Oikawa’s knees were to his chest and he crossed his arms around them, setting his head down and closing his eyes. Headache. 90% of it was probably from bashing his head against the wall and the other 10% from drinking. Almost as if he could read his mind, Iwa asked again, “are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m good Iwa-chan… hand me another beer.”

They remained sitting on the kitchen floor drinking while hidden from the others (besides the occasional visit from Kindaichi to retrieve more alcohol for his underaged friends) for another half hour until seemingly they teleported to the couch in the living room, circled around with the other people at the party.

Oikawa glanced over and Iwa was next to him again, leaning over the outer arm rest so that they had a couple of inches between them. Probably not on purpose. Why did he even notice? No obviously he knew why he noticed. He wanted them to be sitting close. The thought wouldn’t have even crossed his mind a month ago… or would it. He didn’t know. Maybe he always thought like this but never acknowledged it because it was just so _normal._

He came to the conclusion that he was definitely drunk when he realized that a few minutes of loud talking had passed and all eyes were on him.

“Hm? Wha-”

“It’s your turn, loser, truth or dare?” Iwa asked from his couch corner with mild annoyance. _Oh,_ he thought. He didn’t even realize they were playing a game. How cliché. 

“I’ll go with truth, I guess… anything you younglings wanna know about me?”

He smirked and watched as Kindaichi pulled two of his friends in to whisper, probably about what they were gonna ask. Those two then passed it onto another three, and then they fought back with their own question. Oikawa sighed. Kids. His focus drifted to a group of third… maybe second years? Standing over in the corner by the sliding glass door. He squinted, recognizing one of the girls as Nabe-chan, a brunette whom they shared their lunch period with. His attention shifted back to the truth or dare circle when he felt his sleeve being tugged on.

Iwa let go, nodding in the direction of the one asking the question. God, why did he have to sit like that? Leaned back with his legs _spread?_

“Oikawa-san, who’s the hottest girl you’ve hoo-” he stopped when he was slapped on his arm by a classmate, “k-kissed?” Kindaichi’s slightly pink face looked up at him expectantly while his friends around him did the same.

Tooru snorted. “You can say ‘hooked up’ with, you know. I won’t be mad.”

He had to think for a moment. Who was it, really? It’s not like he kept a list. He didn’t rank them, it felt dehumanizing to do so… but maybe just casually fucking girls here and there was dehumanizing in of itself. They all merged together honestly. He did it for fun and to relieve stress or burn off some energy. The first one didn’t feel special and neither did any of them afterwards. He bit the inside of his cheek. They were all pretty girls. How could he answer… 

He glanced at Iwa who was distracted by something on his phone, expression stoic as always. No help at all.

“They were all hot!”

This answer seemed to please the crowd, as they all gasped, laughed and cheered (a bit dramatically in Oikawa’s opinion but he swore he even heard a “you’re so cool, Tooru!”)

“What’s going on over here?” a female voice protruded through the whispering. Nabe had walked over along with her taller blonde friend whom Oikawa didn’t know the name of. The boys on the floor nearly came in their pants at her voice; it was shocking to see a girl at a party, especially an older one. Why was she here anyways? The two of them were the only girls around, and probably the only others who weren't first-years as well.

She must’ve read the question from Tooru’s expression because she laughed and responded, “My family’s close friends with Kindaichi’s. They asked me to baby-sit the party,” she lifted her beer with a smile, “so that’s what I’m doing.”

Iwa laughed in response to that and it pinched the very center of Tooru’s stomach.

The four of them wound up in a different room, a dark an empty bedroom at that, sitting on the nicely-made bed and chatting. Nabe and Iwa were hitting it off. It was obvious. It was also obvious that they were acquainted before the party, so maybe this was just friendly? He shivered.

“So what do you do besides volleyball, Tooru?” the blonde asked him. He pried his eyes off of Iwa and onto her now, being caught completely off-guard by the use of his first name. 

“T- Tooru?” he said in response, voice gravelly. Man, he was really drunk.

“Oh! I’m sorry, I shouldn’t ha- I probably should just call you Oikawa, right?” Her pretty face fell a bit and it only made him feel guilty. 

“Oh no, no, don’t apologize-” he placed a hand on her knee and leaned half an inch forward. “It just caught me off-guard is all. Not a lot of people call me that. It was cute.”

She reddened immediately at the gentle touch of his large hand on her knee. He didn’t even make the conscious decision to do so, but something about the beer plus staring at Iwa’s neck and hands and legs and arms for a couple of hours made him extremely horny and he wanted to do something about it. The other two in the room went quiet for a second, then continued. Iwa’s eyes met his own for a brief moment then returned to the girl in front of him. They were talking about something really fucking cool apparently, because Iwa flashed her one of his rare and special smiles. 

What the hell? Did he just smile at everyone now?

“Oikawa…” the girl in front of him started, placing a small hand on top of Tooru’s which was now gripping tighter. He looked down and then into her eyes, seeing exactly what he’d hoped for.

He took her hand gently and stood up, walking her into another empty room and fucking her for the same reason he’d fucked every other girl.

To deal with his pent up unexplained feelings for Iwa.

To distract himself from how much he wished it were _him_ being fucked by his best friend. Or soulmate. Whatever.

“You feel so fucking good, you’re so hot, holy fuck,” was shit he’d say out loud to convince himself he was really enjoying what he was doing. 

This time it was to distract from the fact that Iwa was probably doing the same thing to Nabe in the other bedroom. Iwa fucked girls all the time, it was fine. It was fine.

It was fine.

Until he had to see him smile at her like that.

That was _his_ smile. Oikawa’s. It was for him.

* * *

He woke up to an angrily glaring Iwaizumi standing in front of his bed. _What… the fuck?_ Sitting up quickly, he exhaled like he was holding his breath and looked around. 

“What?? Why are we here??? What happened at the pa-”

The teen then groaned and clutched his head with both hands. Headache. Headache.

“Well, Oikawa,” Iwa started through gritted teeth, “I had to carry you home because you started _crying_ mid-fucking some poor girl in Kindaichi’s parents’ bedroom.” Literal steam was forming around Iwa’s ears, and Tooru felt small. He knew Iwa was being serious when he didn’t use one of his clever nicknames he’d made around the fourth grade. 

“I… wait what? Crying?”

“That’s not even the main fucking issue here and you know it.” His arms crossed over his chest and he leaned against the wall. The clock above his body showed him that it was almost 4 in the morning. 

He continued. “Not only did you have sex with someone in another person’s house, that other person was KINDAICHI and he’s fucking FIFTEEN. And you did it in his parents’ bedroom which crosses another line that I didn’t think you’d ever dare to reach.”

“But you had sex too-”

“Nabe and I _talked,_ Oikawa, like _civil_ people. As I was saying.”

Oikawa hung his head and let him continue. He ignored the burning feeling growing at his eyes and stared at his hands in his lap. Iwa yelling at him was worse than his own father, which sucked because it was so much more often.

“You didn’t even bother to use protection and I know damn well you have some on you. Thank god you couldn’t finish because you were sobbing so hard, but let’s hope neither of you have any STDs, right?” He laughed almost maniacally.

“I can’t believe that really happened. I can’t believe I have to watch you like a fucking hawk.”

The room was silent for at least a whole thirty seconds before Oikawa opened his mouth to speak. It was quiet and thin, like any other sound could shatter it. 

“No one said you have to, Hajime.”

He was right, not once did anyone give Iwa the role of “Oikawa Tooru’s babysitter.” Why did he do it if he hated it so much? Even worse, it pained him to realize how much of a fucking nuisciance he was. Like, actually. It had been a while since his last stupid mistake; he was doing pretty well for a while there. It wasn’t Iwa’s job to keep him in check.

“Yeah, I know no one said I have to. I’m still gonna do it you dipshit.”

His voice was softer than earlier and Tooru’s head flicked upwards to face him, wincing at the pain in his skull.

“Are you crying?”

Iwa walked over and sat down next to Oikawa who’d calmed down a bit. He didn’t say anything, just swallowed. He really was crying, wasn’t he. Maybe he was still drunk, it had only been a few hours anyway.

“The Oikawa I know doesn’t cry when I scold him.” He said this with such care in his eyes that Oikawa felt an extreme need to look away, he was so overwhelmed. But he didn’t.

Instead, he invited his best friend to spend the night. 

They fell asleep next to each other, comfortable. This was all he really wanted. This was all he could get without risking losing everything. Moments like these, nights like these where he has to get through the pain of the anger and disappointment and earn the quiet love and care again.

If only Tooru wasn’t so selfish. If only he just didn’t push an inch too far, he could’ve stayed like this. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys! thank you so much for reading, feedback would be awesome because i'm new to this ;)
> 
> i have the story planned out, be prepared for some hurt lol.
> 
> anyways shares and kudos are always appreciated!!!


	3. i've got an urge to release

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hiiiii guys lol okay so this one's a little nsfw but there's gonna be a lot of that in this story.  
> anyways.  
> in case you're confused, this occurs about a week before the night of the attempted kiss.  
> i update very fast HAHA i think i updated the chapter before this literally earlier today.  
> i think i'm just passionate about this story.  
> it's gonna be a good one folks.  
> enjoy!

**One week prior,**

Oikawa couldn’t decide which jacket to wear and he held each in front of his body, one after another, looking in the mirror. 

Jacket number one was dark brown and stiff, had a boxy shape that was more formal and brought shape to his shoulders. It was corduroy and the collar was beige along with the sleeve cuffs. The buttons were silver. Jacket number two was a light peachy orange and was puffy, with a zipper that was pastel yellow. 

It wasn’t that serious.

Still, he wasted so much time trying to choose which one to wear that he ended up being over fifteen minutes late for what was supposed to be a mall trip to help Iwaizumi pick a gift for Nabe-kun. They’d been dating for a month now and Iwa felt it was necessary to get her something to commemorate the “holiday.” Oikawa, having never been in a relationship (one that mattered anyway), thought it was kinda ridiculous.

“A month is barely any time!” he whined, throwing a hand in the air. They sat across from each other in the food court, taking a well-deserved break from their strenuous shopping- which was actually them visiting two jewelry stores, touching things and getting scolded by the shop-owners and then leaving. 

He was lying to Iwa and himself. A month wasn’t a short amount of time… it wasn’t long, but the last four weeks had passed by him in 0.1x speed. It probably had something to do with his deeply hidden hope for the couple to break up. It’s like when you’re waiting for something you’re excited for and time goes way slower than you want it to. It’s even worse when there’s no definite deadline so you’re just stuck in this weird waiting phase and its really painful and nauseating. Oikawa wished he didn’t let the idea of them breaking up flourish in his mind because now it would be hard to stomp out.

“It’s long enough.” 

Iwa swirled a french fry making spirals in his ketchup. He seemed disconnected, lost in his own mind… Tooru’s gut wrenched as he instinctively hoped he wasn’t daydreaming about Nabe. He probably was. Fuck.

He got up suddenly and held his hand out towards Oikawa, waiting.

_Hand?_

_Your hand?_

_Outstretched,_

_your_

_your hand is_

_Wait_

_Did you…_

_What-_

“Give me your tray, Stupid-kawa. God, are you alright? Are you sure you don’t have a concussion?”

Oikawa swallowed and complied, giving him his tray. He liked when he was barked orders like that. _No no stop thinking like that. Shit._

Tooru stood up and followed his friend out of the food court, skipping a few steps to catch up. “That was, like, weeks ago Iwa-channnn, even if I had a concussion then it would’ve gone away by now.”

Iwa scoffed. “I’m surprised you got over the whole situation so fast, too. I would still be so fucking embarrassed… I mean, crying?” 

Oikawa pinched his eyebrows together and turned to look at him. “Would you stop bringing it up? Damn.” 

His stomach bubbled, either the chicken tenders were undercooked or it was the shame from that night that he had tried so hard to tuck away being provoked. 

“You agreed to the bet. I wanted to win. So maybe I got too drunk and did some stupid shit, yeah, that’s not out of the ordinary for me. You should be used to it… _daddy_ ,” he said with a sly smile. The expression was knocked off of his face when he felt a sudden tight grip on his wrist. He was jolted backwards and now faced his friend who he remembered from time to time that he was really scary. Now was especially one of those times. In place of his usual blank expression was something foreign, something completely unreadable. 

A simple joke poking at how parental Iwa was becoming now sounded like a blatant flirt.

“What did you just call me?” he spit out with disbelief. His voice was low and guttural, and Tooru momentarily feared for his own life.

“AAAH, nothing!! I was joking! WOW, you’re such a hardass, Iwa-chan!” 

He faced forward again as quickly as possible and continued walking with a little too much pep in his step. _Too much, too much, too much, FUCK. Where were they going again? The end of the mall, right._ To his mild horror he realized he was walking in the wrong direction. He really, really, _really_ didn’t want to turn around. Iwa might’ve just been standing in place, angry and ready to attack. He could’ve also been just as angry and looming behind him, teeth bared. 

Oikawa swallowed and turned. Thankfully Iwa’s regular expression returned with a highlight of mild annoyance. His hands were shoved in his front pockets and he cleared his throat. “Wrong way, idiot.”

“Yeah I realized that.” 

They matched paces once again and made their way to their last-resort store at the opposite end of the mall. 

* * *

  
  
  


Oikawa scoured the aisles for something “girly.” He really didn’t know what to look for; something flowery? Makeup? Maybe he was being ignorant. Nabe seemed like an easy girl to figure out, she was into the arts and whatnot. But this store didn’t really have art stuff, right? He straightened his back, using his hands to support himself as he stretched and peeked over the rest of the aisled. It was all clothes. Oikawa was willing to admit that his fashion sense was pretty superior to others (by the way, he chose the brown jacket that morning). He had a collection of scarves and accessories arranged in some sort of organized clutter along his walls, hung up by various means. Thumbtacks, clothing racks… you name it.

Iwa had walked off in his own direction to find something for his girlfriend. He should be the one searching, just him. Not me. Realizing this, Tooru stopped his aimless search and leaned himself back onto the outer wall of the men’s fitting room. Perfect time to take a break and fantasize about the love of his life (who had a girlfriend now, but fuck it). He exhaled so deeply that he felt air leave all part of his body, down to his very fingertips. _Iwa…_

_Iwa-chan…_

_Iwaizumi…_

_Hajime…_

He pictured his broad, gleaming shoulders flexing and glistening with sweat, as they usually did under the sunlight of outside practice. He didn’t have to take off his shirt but he always did, and Tooru thanked the heavens for that. The back of his neck was darker than the rest of his skin and it was probably so fucking soft to the touch-

Oikawa’s eyes flickered open and he tilted his head downwards. _Shit._

Well, it was gonna happen anyways.

He walked his body forwards and off of the wall, discreetly adjusting the fold of his pants so that his now full-blown erection was less noticeable. _Fuck really?_ It was just his Iwa’s neck he was thinking about yet but he already felt wet warmth forming at his tip. He grimaced at the feeling of the rough denim behind the smooth fabric of his boxers pulling at his skin and basically edging him. He was so damn sensitive. Made it easy to have sex with people he wasn’t attracted to, though. Was it useful in that case? Maybe.

Making a rushed decision, he decided to slip into the open dressing room and shut the door frantically. Unbuckling his belt, he slipped his jeans and boxers down in one swift motion to reveal his cock, twitching like it knew what was about to happen. Careful not to make noise, he slowly backed into the inner wall of the stall and wrapped his fingers around his warm shaft. He gingerly pulled the skin back near the tip and started working his way up and down, already slick with precum. He threw his head back and gasped out a shuttered breath, moving faster.

Iwa at the gym using the leg press, flexing his thighs to their full capacity.

Iwa in the shower. Water running down between his shoulder blades.

Iwa moaning his name. His first name, which was something rarely ever emitted through those lips of his.

_“Tooru, please… I need you…”_

And with that thought, he came all over the floor.

The blood drained from his face. _Okay, shit._ He didn’t really think before-hand what he was gonna do with his cum. It was the heat of the moment. His eyes settled on the substance and he considered his options. One, 

Okay he didn’t really have any options. There were no napkins or anything.

His inner monologue was interrupted by a sharp knock on the door.

“Oikawa. How long do you need? I watched you walk in empty-handed like five minutes ago.” His heart dropped to his feet and he swallowed. 

“Uh, I’m done now.”

_Fuck fuck fuck fuck. Fuck._

He quickly buckled his belt again and creeped around the puddle to the door, opening and peering out. Iwa was standing cross-armed with a large gift-bag in hand. Careful to not expose his embarrassment lying on the dressing room floor, he quickly shut the door behind him and grabbed Iwa’s arm.

“Are you ready to go?” Oikawa asked in a hushed tone.

Iwa furrowed his brow. “Uh, yeah. Let’s go then.”

He barely finished his sentence when Tooru kept hold of his arm and basically dragged him out of the store. 

He was really fucking embarrassed, actually. The poor workers at that damn store had to clean up his nasty mess just because he was too horny to wait til later. _Why? Why was it so urgent? Disgusting, you’re disgusting._

“Hey.” A firm voice pushed his thoughts to the side. They’d made it out of the store yet Tooru’s grasp on his forearm was as strong as ever, and it concerned Iwaizumi.

_He knows what you did._

“What? I’m fine,” he sputtered, then let go of his grasp.

Iwa stared for a moment longer, then clapped his shoulder gently and turned to reach into his bag. His hand rustled around in the bag and then he pulled out a white stuffed bear. He held it out toward Oikawa, close to his face. “This is for you,” he said quietly. 

Oikawa took it with hesitation. He looked over at Hajime; again, his expression was barren and empty. But he could feel the warmth behind it. He swore that this warmth was only detectable by himself, it was something you could only see if you’d seen Iwa every day of your life for a couple of years. It was nice and felt like home. He wondered sometimes if Iwa did it on purpose, or if he even knew it was something he did.

“Why? I thought you were shopping for Nabe-chan…”

He rubbed his thumb along the edge of the red bow around its neck. It was cute. He brought the bear up to his cheek and rubbed it gently up and down.

“So soft…”

Iwa seemed to be thinking really hard to answer what was supposed to be a simple question. He was staring at the floor, same god-damn blank expression again, fucking god, and then he finally looked up.

“I don’t know, Shitty-kawa, it just reminded me of you. And I got something for her, too. Don’t worry.”

He wrote it off as wishful thinking, but he could’ve sworn he saw his best friend blush.

Oikawa stared into its face as they continued walking, trying to find what about this specific teddy bear could possibly remind Iwa of his dumb self. He couldn’t put his finger on it and then decided to give up. 

They were outside now, waiting for the light to turn so they could cross the street. 

“Well thank you Iwa-chan, I love him.” 

He pulled the bear to his chest and smiled at his friend with gratitude. Iwa responded with a grunt and quickly averted his eyes. This made Oikawa frown. _Look at me longer, jerk._

He didn’t look at him again the whole walk home.

Oikawa sighed as he shut his bedroom door and plopped down onto his un-made bed. He tugged his jacket off and threw it across the room then grabbed his new teddy bear and placed it on his chest. “I should name you, right?”

He traced the edges of the ribbon again, feeling the silkiness of the fabric. It was shiny and neat, not excessive at all. He then moved his focus to the face. Two large black buttons for eyes. The mouth wasn’t exactly sewn to be a smile, it was kinda… frowny.

He snorted. Kinda like someone he knew.

“I think I’m gonna name you Iwa-chan.”

It was kinda funny to him that Iwa saw this bear in the store and thought it was so similar to his teammate that he actually spent money on it and gave it to him as a gift, when he himself thought the bear was an uncanny symbol of Iwa. This bear reminded them of each other.

 _Kinda cute_ , he thought before pulling it to his chest and closing his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have u noticed the thing in common with all of the chapter titles?  
> FORMATTING IS SO HARD ON HERE i literally j  
> why is nothing that i italicized italicized  
> also, thank you so much for reading. kudos, shares and feedback (positive and negative) are greatly appreciated.  
> i lobe u guys


	4. and let me hold both your hands in the holes of my sweater

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry these chapters are so short omg  
> i'll start making them longer after this one!! i swear  
> anyways,  
> this one occurs on the same day as the first chapter in case you're confused  
> now  
> enjoy!!!

**A couple of hours prior,**

Tooru fidgeted with the buttons on the sleeve cuffs of his school uniform waiting somewhat impatiently at the lunch bench. It was cold outside but Iwa insisted they ate outside that day, “the snow looks pretty and we’re gonna be covered by the overhang anyway.” Iwa never paid any attention to when things looked  _ pretty.  _ This was either completely new or he decided Oikawa just wasn’t worthy of hearing his silly observations. He sucked his bottom lip in his mouth and ran his tongue over it, back and forth, trying hard not to imagine what else he did for Nabe that he didn't bother doing for Tooru.

He shivered and cursed himself for coming out here so early, he could’ve at least gone to the bathroom or something first. Neither Iwaizumi nor Nabe were anywhere to be seen. Oikawa checked his phone in his pocket. It was already seven minutes into lunch.  _ What are they even doing?  _ He rubbed his hands together creating some kind of heat from the friction and then mentally scolded himself for asking himself that question. He didn’t want to think about what they were doing, he really didn’t.

The three of them had just recently started sitting together at lunch and Tooru dreaded it every single day. Lunches that were supposed to break the annoyingly boring school day into two were now blended into the rest of his stupid classes. He liked having his one-on-one time with his best friend. He blew a hot breath cloud into the air. “Best friend” didn’t seem to even cover half of it anymore.

The couple caught Tooru’s eye as they approached the table with their lunches. He sat up quickly when he spotted a third person, a familiar blonde girl. His throat seemed to contract and he panicked, wide eyes attacking Iwa’s with lots of non-verbal questions. Iwa, almost telepathically, flashed him eyes that said  _ don’t worry.  _

This was almost enough to calm him down. Almost. 

Iwa sat next to him and placed his lunch on the table while the others did the same; Nabe seated in front of her boyfriend and the blonde in front of, you guessed it, Oikawa. He didn’t even remember her name. That was embarrassing on its own.

“Hi Oikawa!” she spoke shyly, like she was approaching something (or someone) fragile. Oikawa wasn’t fragile, so this got on his nerves a little bit. Despite that he put on his crowd-pleaser smile and nodded in response.  _ Does this girl not remember what we did? _

He silently hoped that she didn’t, or at least forgot about the whole crying incident. Why did he have to go and have sex with Iwa’s girlfriend’s  _ best friend?  _ She was practically unavoidable. He got too comfortable with dropping every girl he had sex with immediatly after and never speaking to them. Come to think about it, he wasn’t sure why he was still so popular at this school. What he did wasn’t exactly a noble profession. 

Iwa and Nabe were engaged in their own conversation similar to how it was at the party. They left Tooru and Blondie outside of their private bubble and then the awkward tension set in. Or intensified, rather. The awkward tension was there from the beginning.

“So Blondie, what have you been up to? It’s been a little bit, hasn’t it.”

Her face grew pink (more than it was before from the cold) and she giggled. Good, she thought “Blondie” was just a cute nickname and not an excuse to not have to remember her name.

“I’ve been good! Nabe and I just got into a new show, it’s…”

She continued to talk but Tooru’s ears stopped working. Iwa was pressing the length of his thigh against Oikawa’s. Probably for warmth, maybe reassurance. It was unexpected and sucked the air out of his lungs.  _ Calm down, idiot. We touch all the time. We practically fucking sleep together.  _ For some reason this felt different than all of the other times they made skin to skin contact. Iwa’s thighs were thick and strong and really warm. Like really, really warm. So warm that the heat of his body traveled through the barrier that was both of their school pants and made its way to pool at the very bottom of Oikawa’s gut. Realizing what this meant, he redirected his focus to Blondie who was still talking.

“...found the killer, but he wasn’t actually the killer, right?” 

She met his eyes again and raised her eyebrows with a smile. He probably had to respond to that.

“Yeah, that’s cool.”

Her face fell by a millimeter. She pursed her lips and then nodded, taking a sip of her drink. Something told him that she had more of the story to tell but he made it too obvious he wasn’t paying attention.  _ Shit.  _ He didn’t want to hurt the girl, he was sure he already did more than enough of that. 

Iwa then pressed their legs against each other even harder. He inhaled sharply- what was he trying to say? He turned his head and locked eyes with his friend who was mentally scolding him.  _ Dumbass,  _ his eyes said,  _ actually pay attention when she talks to you. She likes you.  _ He faced forward again and took a mouth-filling bite, jaw flexing as he chewed. Yeah, of course Tooru noticed that.

He already assumed she liked him at this point. She was a blushing mess near him (which was still so out of this world to think about, didn’t he have to stop mid-fuck because he was sobbing all over her?); it was convenient too, her being best friends with Nabe and all that.

But Oikawa didn’t date.

And he didn’t want to drag this girl into the mess of unidentified feelings he had for his best friend.

Lunch was a minute from over at this point and people began walking past them to throw their trash away. Oikawa got up as well; he was the first to stand at their bench and most likely seemed a bit too eager to leave. “It’s cold,” he said, not directed at anyone but to be heard by everyone seated. Iwa sighed in response and stood up, grabbing his own and Nabe’s tray.

_ Fuck you, asshole. She can take her own trash. _

His mind flashed back to Iwaizumi taking his tray from him at the mall.

Alright maybe he should just calm down. Iwa was a polite guy, that was it.

Throwing his un-eaten lunch in the trash can that was overflowing now, he physically shook his head at his thoughts.  _ That’s his girlfriend, Tooru. It doesn’t matter what kind of guy he is, he’s gonna prioritize her. _

That hurt so much to think about, it really did.

Iwa jogged to catch up to him, unaccompanied by the girls. Their next class was together so they usually walked in together

“You guys look good together,” Oikawa heard himself say dryly without making the conscious decision to do so. It surprised him, but Iwa was unphased.

They continued to walk in step through the crowded hallway and Oikawa snuck a glance at his friend’s face. He had a gentle smile on his face.

His heart plummeted. Why would he say that? Why? It wasn’t true. Or maybe it was to some people, that wasn’t exactly an objective statement. But it certainly wasn’t true in Tooru’s opinion. 

Either way it made Iwa happy and he felt a pinch of guilt for not liking that fact. 

“Thanks, Loser-kawa.” He then actually smiled, like,  _ really  _ smiled back up at Oikawa. A super-secret special smile, the ones where his eyes crinkle and the tip of his nose lifts a little bit. Tooru instantly melted and his previous frustration dispersed. Who cares if he was smiling about someone else- it was a smile just for Tooru to see, for him to take a mental picture and add it to the collection of Iwa smiles to savor. He blinked and nodded, staring at his feet as he ached for the heat on his face to subdue. Their arms brushed together a total of three times (yes he was counting) before they reached their classroom.

* * *

Afternoon practice wasn’t too great that day. As the backbone of his team, Oikawa was off his game causing the entire formation to waver. Most of the team wasn’t aware of what was causing this disrupt, but Matsukawa, Hanamaki and Iwa all caught on. Their captain wasn’t himself and it was messing with their whole routine. 

During a practice 3-on-3, Oikawa set a ball about three feet too far and 15mph too fast. It slammed against the wall with the force of an average spike and everyone stopped to watch it bounce off and roll on the floor, slowly coming to a halt. 

No one retrieved it.

“Oikawa,” Matsukawa started while approaching.

He whipped his head around to face his teammate who stood directly behind him.

“Hm?” 

At this point everyone on the team knew something was wrong with their captain. It was hard for him to hide when he was feeling different or off. Even his slight fatigue affected the whole entire team. It was their job to keep him in his best condition to help fortify their strength. Oikawa was semi-aware of this fact but didn’t take it as seriously as he should’ve.

Matsukawa placed a hand on his arm. This caused the captain to blink and loosen his stance. He now noticed the plenty of other pairs of eyes on him from around the court, Hajime’s piercing furthest into his chest.

Coach also sensed what was going on and dismissed practice, making everyone head for the locker rooms except the two of them plus Iwa and Hanamaki. They moved so that the three of them were in sort of an arc around their captain.  _ A little scary… _

“Are you feeling okay?” asked Hanamaki, raising his left eyebrow. Matsukawa rested a hand on his hip and nodded slightly as to tag along to the question. Iwa just stood behind them both with his arms crossed.

He distorted his face in confusion and disbelief. “Me? Feeling okay?”

Stretching an arm across his chest, he scoffed and reassured them “I’m fine.”

_ Seriously what is this? An intervention? _

He felt trapped in the shape that his classmates had probably unintentionally formed so he dropped his arm and gently pushed through them, specifically between Matsukawa and Hanamaki, to go to the locker rooms.

Watching Oikawa trot nonchalantly away, Iwa’s eyes connected with the others’ and muttered “he’s probably on his period or something.” They all snickered in response and then together followed their captain.

When it was just the two of them left in the locker room, Iwa sat down on the bench next to Oikawa. He faced the opposite way to make it easier to talk to him directly. Oikawa was tying the laces on his sneakers but being so close to Iwa made him struggle and fumble with the strings. He chewed on his lip in frustration.  _ Why are you so close to me? _

Was it that he never noticed until now? Or was he just trying to push him off the edge?

“Oikawa.”

He looked up immediately.

There was that familiar warmth and concern etched on his beautiful face again. The orange light from the setting sun peeked in from the window and covered the left half of his face with a warm glow and made his eye look like honey. He tilted his head to the side to allow more light to enchant his best friend’s stunning features and remembered that Iwa was speaking to him.

“Yes, Iwa-chan?”

Finally tying his shoe, he rested his foot on the floor and straightened out his back. He watched Iwa expectantly, waiting for what he had to say.

He didn’t say anything actually, and just exhaled as he stood up and scratched the back of his head. “Nothing. Nevermind.”

He slung his bag over his shoulder and began to walk towards the doors. Oikawa followed, feeling a bit of disappointment. Now he really wanted to know what Iwa was gonna say.

They walked together down the chilly streets and slowly made their way to Tooru’s house. He’d invited him over earlier in the day to do homework together, silently praying that he already had plans with Nabe so that he could see if he would cancel them to spend time with Oikawa. That would’ve been comforting as hell.

Hajime didn’t have plans with Nabe.

_ Whatever, that was better anyway. _

He spent the whole twenty-five minute walk home pondering all of the possible things Iwa could’ve possibly needed to say. 

_ “You’re my best friend, Oikawa.”  _

_ “I care about you, Oikawa.”  _

_ “You’re important to me.”  _

_ “I love you.” _

_ “I’m obsessed with you.” _

What if instead of saying something, he did something?

What if the second he looked up from tying his shoe Iwa would’ve linked their hands together?

What if he pulled his face up gently by his jaw and dared to lean forward, breathing onto his lips making Oikawa ache for it so much more until they finally connected?

He wanted to explore the inside of his mouth.

What did his tongue feel like? Rough maybe, like a cat’s. Tooru felt butterflies swoop into his abdomen. 

And his hands. On his neck, chest, hips…

His knees almost buckled. He glanced down at the hand barely an inch from his own. That rough, calloused hand that had taken care of him for years. The hand that would always threaten to hurt him but never did.

_ Maybe I want you to hurt me a little sometimes. _

Something in Tooru took control and made him reach out his pinky finger, hooking it onto Iwa’s and then letting it slip away. He shifted his vision to the side nervously. Did he even notice?

Iwa didn’t falter for a second, face flushed from the cold and eyes ahead of them.

His heart sank. There was no way he didn’t feel that… did he actually even do it? Or just imagine it?

More importantly, why was he freaking the fuck out over touching his pinkie?

He really had to calm down and figure himself out soon.

But when they arrived at his house and Iwa walked ahead to hold his front door open for him, Tooru realized that there was no getting out of this hole he’d fallen down.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhh thank you so much for your comments!!! i'm just learning how to use this site and i'm so happy with the reads and feedback i'm getting. y'all are so sweet. fr.


	5. when it's said and done, let it go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> okay guys, it's not as long as i'd hoped for but  
> here's a bit of iwa's perspective.  
> i'm not sure if i want to make it a back and forth kind of thing? or if this is just thrown in to provide some insight onto what iwa's thinking. comment what you guys would prefer!!!  
> i also rewrote a very specific middle-school scene in here.  
> enjoy!

**A couple of hours later,**

Iwa was extremely conflicted.

It was three in the morning and he really couldn’t sleep no matter how hard he tried, so he gave up. He was sitting up sideways on his made bed, against the wall.

_Oikawa tried to kiss me today._

_Technically yesterday, but I haven’t slept._

He squeezed his eyes shut and sighed verbally into the air. It was burning his insides to focus on that fact. Maybe there was a chance that he wasn’t actually trying to kiss him, and-

No he definitely was trying to kiss him. Oikawa didn’t deny his accusation and instead responded with _“I’ve been wanting to for a while,”_ in his pretty little voice that sounded like doves and launched Iwaizumi far into the clouds every time he heard it.

Or at least it used to. 

_Don’t lie to yourself Hajime._

He clenched his teeth together and swallowed, his fists balling at his sides. The feelings he had towards Oikawa were simply admiration for his best friend and team captain. There may have been a time where there was something more, something stronger and categorized as something else. But that was so far behind him that he’d do anything he could to not dig it up again. All it ever brought was pain. Mentally. Emotionally. Physically.

He felt his head begin to spin and ripped his mind away from the direction he was travelling. But it was too late, he already entered the room he was so adamantly sure to board up with wood and nails and heavy furniture.

This room wasn’t exactly a room but a dark pit in his mind that was nauseating and panic-inducing and just overall a fucking nightmare. It was created in the midst of his aching love he developed for his best friend as a middle-schooler. He always loved him, really, but the love outgrew its roots and formed into a massive growth spindling its way into every appendage, every nook and crevice of the poor teen’s body. It flowed constantly, never ceasing.

It began the day of their fight over Kageyama Tobio, a kid on their team who was two years younger than them. Tobio was a quiet boy, though he quite clearly loved volleyball. For the first week of being on the team, he didn’t speak unless spoken to and didn’t make eye contact with anyone for longer than a second. Then he somehow got the courage to approach Tooru, probably the best player on their team. They formed an acquaintanceship which meant so much more to Tobio than it did to Tooru.

“What do you think of Kageyama, Oikawa-san?” asked one of the kids in between both of their grades. This was during a water break in the middle of practice. They were having a couple 3-on-3’s, and Tobio thankfully was on the other side of the court out of earshot.

“He’s fine, I don’t know. Kinda naggy.”

Iwa was sure that if the younger boy’d heard that he would’ve been crushed like an empty soda can.

Most of their practices were littered with tiny little chirps of “Oikawa-senpai!” whenever Kageyama wanted to show him something he’d learned, or ask him for help. It was endearing to Iwaizumi, he sometimes wished that it was _him_ that Tobio looked up to like that. But it was fine, Tooru deserved it so much more. He just didn’t really want it. He stayed for hours after practices ended just to be better, just to be a step ahead once again.

In one of their games against an opposing school, Tooru was subbed out and replaced with Tobio on the court.

Iwa watched him on the bench. He expected to see annoyance, mild frustration or something along those lines. But he met the eyes of someone who was completely _broken._ Oikawa felt defeated, not by the opposing team but by his new replacement. He would never admit it but he knew that Kageyama surpassed him in talent and it made him want to rip his own skin off. 

That night, Iwa made sure to stay close to his best friend during practice. He kept an eye on him even until it was past the end of practice again and only a few lingering students stayed. Leaning against the inner edge of the doorway, he regained focus when he saw a familiar black-haired boy approach Tooru.

“Oikawa? Can you maybe teach me how to serve?”

His face was so innocent, so happy and young.

Iwa felt it before it happened and ran to catch Tooru’s arm before it made contact with Tobio’s face. He looked down at his face, so heavily excreting exhaustion.

“Get a hold of yourself you dumbass!”

“S- sorry…”

Letting go, Iwa turned to the younger boy who looked like he shit his pants. 

“Kageyama. We’re all done for today.”

“Okay.” He spoke with a muted tone and hung his head, glancing up at Tooru as he jogged to leave the gym. Oikawa was staring into nothing, surprised at his own violence.

“We swapped you out today because you needed to cool your head. Give yourself a little credit, alright?”

Oikawa sharply inhaled and turned to the other. 

“I can’t do that! Not if I’m not good enough to bring down Shiratorizawa!” Tears were pooling at his eyes but he didn’t acknowledge them. “If I wanna win and go to nationals, I need to work as hard as I can!”

Iwa’s vision blurred red and he growled. God, his best friend could be such a damn _brat_ sometimes. “All you ever say is me, me, _me!_ ” Guided by his anger only, he slammed his head foreward into Tooru’s face, slamming into his nose and causing him to stumble backwards and fall.

“What? You think you’re the only person on this team?”

His friend gasped on the floor in fear, clutching his bleeding nose.

“You listen to _me,_ dumbass. You better stop acting like _your_ performance is the only thing that matters, or I’ll headbutt you in the face!” He was clutching onto the front of Oikawa’s shirt now, yelling into his face as he pulled him off the ground.

“You already did-”

“I’m sure none of us has what it takes to defeat Ushiwaka one-on-one, but still. That’s why there’s SIX people on a volleyball court!”

Tooru’s eyes widened and he swallowed, some blood included. It was dripping down his chin now but he wasn’t focused on that anymore.

“Who cares about that amazing first-year? OR Ushiwaka? At the end of the day, the best team of six wins, dumbass!!!”

A moment passed, and then Tooru started to giggle.

“The best team of six, huh?”

The giggle grew louder and Iwa released his grip on his shirt, mildly concerned.

“Woah, sorry, I must’ve hit you too hard.” He straightened himself and nervously watched the setter who was still on the floor.

“I can’t describe how I feel right now…” he said, standing up as well. “It’s like I’m invincible.”

There was a new sense of confidence radiating off of his slim body, the kind he looked best in. Not the superficial outwards confidence that he wore daily, but this… this rare power that seeped its way into his core. Iwa bit the inside of his cheek, proud of himself for bringing this out of his best friend and also admiring him for maybe a moment too long, letting his eyes linger.

“Hey Iwa.”

He snapped out of it and opened his mouth to speak, realizing that it was dry.

“Is dumbass the only insult you know?”

There it was, that gorgeous teasing smile (littered with blood this time which was new bit still kinda cool. But now Iwa felt bad for hurting him). It tugged at his heart and squeezed it at the same time, not particularly a pleasant feeling. 

He grumbled and turned away. “You want another headbutt to the face?”

This night replayed in his head almost as vividly as when it had originally happened. He hadn’t realized that tears had been streaming down his cheeks for a long time. That night was so important to him, even to this day. It was that blood-covered confident smile that stabbed a steak through his heart and let it roast over a flame, slowly getting hotter and hotter as the months went by. He clutched his stomach and fell onto his side, unable to control his sobs anymore. He let himself burn for years. _Years_. 

He went home that night (after the fight) with the image of confident Tooru carved into his mind. He fell asleep with it there and dreamed about his friend.

Then those dreams turned into daydreams and fantasies. He wanted to see him on the court scoring the final winning point against Shiratorizawa. He wanted to see his best friend succeed, he wanted to see him happy. And he wanted to be with him, hold his hand through the whole thing.

 _Holding Tooru’s hand,_ he thought one day during class. It was a few days after they’d been awarded second place (right underneath Shiratorizawa) at the middle-school tournament. He wasn’t too upset though because Tooru won the “Best Setter” award and that was almost as good.

His head really couldn’t skip past the idea of holding his hand. Had they ever held hands? Maybe not since they were really little. He shifted in his seat and laid his palms flat on the desk and tuned out his teacher completely. He tried to imagine Oikawa’s palms laying flat on his own. He felt long, thin fingers intertwining with his own and sighed. He didn’t know how else to describe what he was feeling in that moment besides “nice” and “hot.” This was so completely new to him. What did his hands feel like? They looked soft and smooth… they were about the same size as his own, though his palms and fingers were a bit wider. Holding it out in front of him, he now examined his own hand.

Unfortunately the teacher mistook this for a raised hand and called on him

“Yes, Iwaizumi? Do you know the answer?”

His hand dropped and his eyes grew as wide as saucers.

“I- uh, th-” he cleared his throat and a couple of students chuckled along with a loud snort from the back corner of the classroom. Iwa turned and glared daggers at Tooru who was almost doubled over in laughter. _Dumb bastard,_ he thought while facing the teacher again.

Flustered and red, he finally meekly asked, “can I go to the bathroom?”

Back to today. Iwa’s pillow was now damp from his constant flow of tears. Snot, too. Man, he really couldn’t remember the last time he cried like this. Or at all. It felt strangely comforting to let all of it out though, like it was soothing his now charred heart.

After having feelings for years, Iwa made the decision to end them finally. He started doing little things to help him move on, help him stop his hopeless pining for his straight best friend. That was the first thing; he constantly reminded himself that Oikawa liked girls. He always flirted with them no matter where they were. It didn’t necessarily hurt at first, it was normal. A part of his character. But as they grew older and flirting turned into sex, Iwa regarded it a little differently. Everything about loving Tooru was painful. Not even bittersweet, though maybe there was a bit of sweetness to it, but Hajime was kindof a pessimist when it came to his feelings.

He began to tell Oikawa casual stories about his own hookups as well. Obviously he was lying, making it difficult to talk about. Oikawa would often whine about wanting to know who these girls were but Iwa just relied on his common stubbornness to never ever say a name.

Another thing that helped him move on: their team. Being on the same team together since basically the end of elementary school taught him the importance of _keeping_ it together. If anything ever drastically changed between them it ran the risk of the whole team falling apart. The two of them were important, more than he allowed himself to admit.

He was mostly over his feelings by their last year of highschool. There was one more step left to his process: closure.

The one thing he felt would hide that part of him forever, the part of him that wanted Tooru to be his soulmate, was getting in a relationship.

With a girl.

Again, unfamiliar territory. But he couldn’t let anyone know that

Find a nice girl, get to know her, and then date her. It was simple. Luckily Watanabe had already been in his mind when she approached them at Kindaichi’s party. After speaking to her for at least an hour (the alcohol certainly helping) he found himself being pulled in and feeling her soft lips press against his.

It was a nice and gentle kiss. Not something he really wanted but it was something he could easily deal with. 

He placed a gentle hand on her shoulder and kissed her back, exploring with his tongue, feeling strangely comfortable and not nervous at all. They pulled apart, giggling at each other. Her flushed face and messy brown hair reminded him of Tooru.

_Shit. Not good._

He decided to make it official after she had dinner with his family one day. It was a sentimental moment, though he felt like a bystander. The real him was hidden in the depths of his soul using a remote control to make these decisions that would help him in the long run. _Right?_

_Yes, right, fucking dumbass. This is best for you._

_But I don’t love her…_

_You don’t hate her either._

He texted Tooru the news of his new girlfriend, finally getting the closure he’d wanted so bad. But it didn’t feel right. Nevertheless, Nabe’s face lit up when he asked the question and she hadn’t stopped glowing since.

Back to today again. Iwa was now half-asleep, his shoulders and arms sore, probably from practice, maybe from doubting his stupid form of closure, whatever. It didn’t matter, it really didn’t. Maybe he’d have to suffer a damn eternity for this. He probably would’ve been fine now if his dumb bitch best friend didn’t try to kiss him. Biting onto his pillow driven by sudden frustration, he groaned into it. This was so fucking difficult.

He was never going to let Tooru know that he loved him like that, no matter what the circumstances were.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what do you think? my shoulders hurt from typing lol  
> kudos, comments and shares are greatly appreciated!!! <3


	6. i can taste it, my heart's breaking, please don't say it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oh man you guys. this one's rough.  
> i had to add more tags and possibly some more warnings, but  
> WARNING: this chapter includes abuse  
> other than that, thank you so much for reading!!!  
> another note: previously i had written "the morning after" at the  
> start of the last chapter. this one is ACTUALLY the morning after.  
> the last one was a couple of hours after. i updated it, but  
> i just wanted to clear any confusion.

**The morning after,**

Oikawa woke up and immediately ran to his bathroom, door thankfully left open, and puked his guts out in the toilet. 

He wasn’t sick. There was no way he was sick. Nonetheless he washed his mouth out and then gawked at how pale and absolutely _drained_ his face looked in the mirror. Squirting hand soap in his wet palms and lathering it up, he scrubbed his face frantically like doing so would magically erase his dark circles and brighten up his face.

Splashing it off with cold water, the corner of his mouth twitched in mild disgust at himself. Hand soap wasn’t really meant for the face, or else it would be called face soap or just soap. Hopefully no damage was done to his impeccable skin.

He spun on one heel and headed towards his bedroom again to get dressed for school when suddenly the events of last night poured into his brain and over-flowed him, causing him to nearly double over. _Oh no. Oh no no no no. Did I really- was that a dream? No way. No fucking way. I really did that. That really happened._

Tooru lunged for his phone and checked for any messages; the only one being an unopened one from last night about a practice being rescheduled. Nothing from Iwa. Was that good or bad? His stomach flipped and assumed the latter as he began to get dressed for school, each second feeling like an eternity.

  
  
  


Luckily his first block class wasn’t with Hajime, nor was his second. They crossed paths in the hallway between them though and that alone was enough to scare him stiff. All throughout their years of friendship something like this had never happened. Nothing even came close to this. The thought of that stability suddenly being shattered because of his stupid mistake made his hands go almost numb; his pencil teetered in his hand for a moment before he re-firmed his grip. _Just focus on your work, Tooru._

English was his hardest class of the day and coincidentally first as well. For some reason, learning a second language never clicked with him the way it did with most other students. They were taking a vocabulary quiz and he forgot to study for it- too busy watching videos on his phone and staring at Hajime to focus. _You’re so stupid._ The letters on the page blurred together and became indecipherable scribbles. _Iwa would be able to help me right now,_ he thought, suddenly remembering a time where he and Hajime had English class together- last year.

They sat next to each other in the back of the room, the teacher was one of those who allowed students to choose their seats. Vocabulary was always a struggle for Tooru and this was common knowledge between the both of them. “Psst,” Iwa would whisper, and Oikawa would look up. To his relief, his eyes would land on a certain array of numbers and English words next to them on Iwa’s hand. It was laid flat on the desk while Iwa continued to look down at his page and work on his own test. Oikawa was extremely grateful for these moments; without them he wouldn’t have passed the class.

Now he was alone in an even more advanced English class.

_Stop. Thinking. About. Him._

He slammed his fist down on the desk in front of him, scaring himself and a handful of students around him with the intensity. 

The teacher eyed him from her desk and he tossed her a reassuring smile, _sorry!_ it said, and he continued on his hopeless test he was already prepared to fail.

  
  
  


The bell rang and his heart practically liquified and poured onto the floor. He was about to see Iwa for the first time today.

But,

He didn’t.

 _Did he stay home today?_ Tooru thought as he passed the usual group of students. That was a little reassuring, that meant he didn’t have to face him at lunch or the class afterwards. He felt his heart slightly lift again and for a moment he was fine.

Then he turned the corner and his eyes landed on Nabe, accompanied by (you guessed it), Hajime.

Tooru sucked in his breath as the other met his eyes and closed his mouth mid-sentence. He’d been talking to his girlfriend about something stupid, probably. His expression was unreadable, but after a moment he just nodded as he continued past him. Oikawa whipped his head around with his jaw slack and a first-year bumped into him. The voice in his head now suddenly sounding like someone else told him, _“keep walking Tooru, you’re in a moving hallway.”_

His eyes lingered on Iwa’s hand for the last second before he turned to walk forward again. It was in Nabe’s. His beautiful, strong hands were in Nabe’s before Oikawa had ever had the chance to feel them himself. Except for when they were really little.

_Take that Nabe-kun. I held his hand before you._

Those hands had grown immensely since then.

He really wanted to know what _this_ Iwa’s hands felt like.

Tooru walked into his next classroom and seated himself silently with this thought.

  
  


Lunch consisted of the same group of four as expected; Blondie now sitting next to Tooru and Iwa next to Nabe across from them. This seating arrangement was undoubtedly worse than the last one because now staring at Iwa was practically unavoidable. His strikingly handsome face was maybe two feet in front of him? And to make matters worse, he’d just tried to fucking kiss him.

But he was acting pretty normal. Maybe he decided on his own that it was a misunderstanding… or maybe he just wasn’t that shaken up about it. That probably would’ve been the case if Tooru had maybe been a little smarter and decided to deny his accusations. 

_“I’ve wanted to for a while,”_ wasn’t exactly the same as _“no way!”_

He laughed for a second to himself, staring at his unopened food. Maybe he should start actually eating his lunches instead of throwing away and wasting good food. Iwa kicked him under the table, causing him to tilt his head up again at such a speed that he swore he felt a tiny snap.

“Are you okay? You’re looking at your food like it’s a small animal and you want to take its life.”

Iwa stared at him blankly and he realized the others were looking at him too.

_Why did he always have to look at him with that damn blank expression?_

It was actually kind of frustrating.

_Feel something towards me. Treat me like you’re more than just my babysitter._

“I was pretending it was Nabe,” he mumbled.

Iwa turned a bright red and cleared his throat to cut him off. “Whatever, Shitty-kawa, you’re just weird.” He turned back to his precious girlfriend and continued talking to her. Blondie seemed to be engaged in this conversation as well, leaving Tooru alienated at his corner of the table. The girls didn’t hear Tooru’s comment (thank god) and acted as their usual chirpy selves, shrill voices laughing at Iwa’s occasional jokes. 

He couldn’t really help it anymore, he was just _so. angry._

“Are you gonna fucking talk to me?! I’m right here!” he spat at the girl next to him and she gasped. 

“Oikawa…” Iwa warned, but this did nothing to slow him down. 

“You’re so focused on your friend’s boyfriend here, don’t you think that’s weird? I have to sit here and watch this shit in front of my own two damn eyes as if my dick wasn’t in you, like, a month ago.”

His voice had raised to a volume higher than the tables around them, causing them to quiet and stare. The poor girl had tears in her eyes now, this didn’t matter.

He stood up. He really was yelling aimlessly. Obviously he didn’t care if she talked to him, if he really did he could’ve made an attempt. He wasn’t a little bitch.

“I don’t even know your fucking name, _Blondie._ I’m leaving.” He grabbed his unopened lunch and turned towards the doors, frustration faltering slightly. He didn’t have to take his anger out on her. He felt a twinge of guilt. Why was he angry again? Oh yeah, Iwa. Asshole. Was acting like absolutely nothing happened last night. Was replacing him with some random girl he’d known for a few months.

A strong hand yanked him backwards so hard that his shoulder practically dislocated; Iwa had followed him while leaving Nabe to comfort her friend who was now sobbing into her hands. Oikawa refused to face him and tried to walk forward, but his strength was overpowering.

“Tooru.” he said through gritted teeth.

All of the frustration he still had in his body morphed into fear and he practically shrunk two inches in height. He swallowed and opened his mouth to speak but no sound came out.

Hajime dragged him into the school, all the way to the nearest bathroom. A couple of first years were messing around but instantly caught the energy and left, leaving the room empty. Pulling Oikawa’s limp body forward, he threw him hard against the tiled bathroom wall.

 _Ew, germs,_ Tooru thought for half a second before Iwa pounded his forearm into his chest holding him down.

“Do you even know what the fuck you just did?!”

 _Oh shit, he’s_ mad _mad_.

“I just got a little pissed-”

“I know _damn_ well you weren’t that fucking angry at the poor girl not talking to you, I’m not an idiot. Though I don’t know why you’re actually angry. But what I do know is that you’re a self-centered fucking brat that doesn’t know how to think of others.”

He pushed his forearm even harder into his chest, making him squeal and reach his arms up to grab it. Like that was gonna do anything.

“Don’t fucking look away from me, Tooru.” He grabbed his jaw and steered it towards him forcing Oikawa to look.

It hurt.

Not just physically, (his grip was pretty strong), but emotionally it just hurt so _damn much._

_Stupid Tooru._

_Stupid Tooru._

_You’re so fucking stupid._

_He hates you so much, look at him._

A tear fell onto Iwa’s exposed skin on his arm and he pulled away quickly, letting Oikawa fall forward a couple of steps. Glancing up, he saw Iwa’s eyes that were now softer. Still angry, but softer. Being a crybaby saved him a little in this situation.

As if he could read his friend’s mind, Iwa crossed his arms and spoke. “Don’t think that just because you’re crying now you’re forgiven.” He sighed and put a hand on his face, thinking hard and walking himself backwards until his back met the wall.

Oikawa watched him on edge for about a minute until he spoke again.

“You took Chiyoko’s virginity.”

_Oh._

_Oh, shit._

_He really fucked up this time._

  
  
  


For the remainder of the school day, the earlier dread of seeing Hajime was replaced with the even heavier guilt of what he’d just done at lunch due to his own selfish feelings. Iwa was right and he knew it. He always put himself first without regard for others’ feelings. It wasn’t that he didn’t care; he absolutely cared. He just didn’t think before acting. The thinking usually came afterwards.

_I am a child, aren’t I Iwa-chan?_

He rested his head on his arm on the small desk in front of him, gazing at his friend.

Iwa glanced over with a look that said,

 _“You_ are _a child, Tooru. But that’s a part of who you are, and I love who you are.”_

Yeah right. Here’s what he actually meant.

 _“You_ are _a child, Tooru, and I’m gonna continue to break my back to look after you.”_

Both meant the same thing.

Oikawa turned his face away again and closed his eyes, not able to stop a small smile from forming on his lips. Something told him that things were okay now. Something about returning to their usual order of Oikawa messing shit up and Iwa telling him _how_ he messed that shit up.

Yeah Iwa still had a girlfriend, yeah Oikawa now had a girl to apologize profusely and make it up to, but all of it was tolerable again after the fear of his best friend hating him was no longer rational. It was most likely never rational.

  
  
  


Practice that afternoon was a little better than the last. And so was the next one, and the one after that. It was like Oikawa had never tried to kiss his best friend. They began spending time together outside of school again like normal… after-school study sessions, the occasional sleepover on the weekends. Things were fine. The only thing missing was the closeness that was once there before; there were no more mornings waking up in each other’s arms, no more arms or legs or fingers touching when it wasn’t exactly necessary. Oikawa often stayed up late at night wondering if this change was due to Nabe, or if it had something to do with the attempted kiss. Did it matter? It didn’t, really.

No, he couldn’t pretend.

It did.

He thought he could continue like this, ignoring his feelings again. It worked for a while, too. But week after week it ate away at his insides and hammered at his soul. Seeing his face used to bring him comfort but it slowly turned to a deep pulling feeling, something mixed with dread and regret. He hated being so close to the boy he loved and feeling like he was just one step away. There was just one thing missing that made the entire friendship feel like bait. 

He’d been skating on very thin ice for a while, but then that skating turned to walking, walking to jogging, jogging to skipping. It was only a matter of time until the ice broke and something drastic changed.

The ice finally broke about a month and a half later. Oikawa was spending the night at Iwa’s house after a winning match against one of the lesser-known teams in the prefecture. This was a rare occurrence: usually they’d crash at Oikawa’s place after playing, but he’d insisted on Iwa’s because his “shower was better and your mom cooks better food.” He held back from sharing his real reason; his dad had come back home.

Oikawa would use any reason to avoid seeing his father again. He’d left about four years ago without a word and it took a toll on his mother, while it lifted a weight off of his own shoulders. 

His dad was scary.

Even Iwa knew what he was like when they were children. Abusive, to the fullest extent of the word. When they’d first met, Iwa thought that Tooru just played rough and that was why he was always covered in bruises. But that assumption didn’t go along with his shy personality. He was the quietest kid in their kindergarten class, nearly afraid of all of the other kids despite being the third tallest in the class. It took a while for him to open up but when he finally did Iwaizumi and him became close almost instantly.

Oikawa’s dad was a drunk, and acted out in anger using his words or his fists. Whenever his outbursts began, Tooru’s mom would hide in their bedroom and lock herself inside leaving her son completely defenseless. Maybe she thought that he’d be gentle once seeing his child’s face. Maybe she was just scared.

“Fight back you little fuckin’ punk.”

He pushed his son into the wall with one hand, covering his small chest completely. The sound of the air being suddenly pushed out of his lungs made his father laugh.

“You’re so weak! No wonder… your mom doesn’t ever try to prepare you for the real world, does she?” He wiped his mouth, slurring his words slightly.

Little Tooru was only a bit scared. This was normal.

His dad picked him up by the shirt and tossed him onto the floor, making him somersault backwards and sit up. 

“What’s gonna happen if some guys stop you and mug you, huh?” He took another swig of his drink, whatever the hell it was.

“I’m only eight. Who would mug me?”

Apparently that was the wrong thing to say.

Tooru showed up to school the next morning with a new collection of bruises to blame on his clumsy self ‘falling down the stairs’.

“You fell down the stairs last week.” 

Oikawa chewed his lip and thought of a good response to Iwa’s question, which seemed skeptical. 

“Yeah, I’m really clumsy,” was all the boy said.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY IM LEAVING YOU HERE AHHHH don't worry  
> i'll have the next chapter posted tomorrow ;)  
> as always, kudos, comments and shares are greatly appreciated!!!


	7. i don't mind if there's not much to say

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hiiiiii baes  
> sorry this one's kinda short :/  
> but i have the next one planned out and it's gonna be  
> HELLA  
> GOOD.  
> publishing it tomorrow  
> anyways, enjoy!

The two of them sat in Iwa’s bedroom, neat and barren.

Tooru couldn’t help but frown when he first entered- he knew what it looked like inside but it always lowered the mood by a little bit. The walls were painted a light blue leftover from his childhood, yet they were bare. All of his clothes were neatly put away in the closet or in the hamper that was near the door. The bed had light blue sheets and a green plaid comforter. They most definitely clashed. Against the largest wall was a ceiling-high bookshelf. About half of it actually consisted of books while the other half had various volleyball trophies, figurines and school supplies.

The room was boring and dull, but it didn’t really matter when the person who lived in it was Iwaizumi.

Oikawa had just arrived and was wearing a large grey sweatshirt (fun fact: he stole it from Iwa last year) and black sweatpants, paired with his light yellow socks that had bunnies all over them. He hung upside down off of the side of Iwa’s bed and watched the other boy sit on the floor and play Smash Ultimate on his switch. _Is he… playing as Mario?_ He scoffed. _Lame._

“What’s so funny?” Hajime asked without looking away from the console. He was doing pretty well and didn’t want to lose focus. 

A bit surprised that he’d heard his laugh, he huffed and sat up, turning his body to face his friend’s back. “Nothing. I wanna play.”

He joined his friend on the floor and watched as the finished his game. Iwa was cute when we was focused. He bit his bottom lip and dragged it back and forth over his teeth, brows furrowed. Mario was currently playing against Peach (how ironic) and was _so close_ to breaking the final smash ball. “You’ve improooved,” said Tooru, dragging out the “ooo” in the last word. He tilted his head downwards, tired from the game earlier, but stopped himself when he felt Iwa’s shoulder half an inch away. Resting his head on Iwa’s shoulder wasn’t his intention.

Bringing his head slowly back upwards, he tried to refocus on the game. Oh, how _easy_ it was to get trapped in that spiral of thoughts again. He was suddenly aware of how close their bodies were. He could practically feel the heat from Hajime’s body radiating off of him despite them being two inches apart.

Two inches was close, though. Close enough to casually lean over and press their bodies together. Tooru exhaled and leaned his head back, closing his eyes and facing the ceiling. _You could be touching him all you want right now if you didn’t try to kiss him._ He brought his hands to his eyes and gently massaged them with his fingertips. Now really wasn’t the time to start dwelling on the past.

“You can.” 

Iwa’s low voice interrupted Oikawa’s racing thoughts. He opened his eyes, confused. 

“I can what?”

He watched Iwa, who’d started another match. 

“Hey, asshole, I said I wanted to play-”

“You can lean your head on my shoulder, it’s fine.”

Oikawa swallowed and immediately averted his eyes to the screen. _Was_ he a mind-reader? 

“Also you looked tired and I didn’t want to bother you. We can play the next one.”

Tooru nodded and then hesitantly put his head down on the other’s shoulder. 

Strong shoulder.

Warm shoulder.

He adjusted a couple of times before allowing himself to relax and truly enjoy one of the moments he really missed. They used to do this all the time without ever questioning it. He hated that they lost the physical aspect of their relationship, but maybe this was a sign that it could maybe come back. Hopefully.

He’d learned at this point to not have his hopes up though.

Iwa put his controller down and grabbed his phone, checking it for notifications. He began to text someone back and through his shoulder Tooru felt each individual finger muscle move as he was typing. He dared himself to open his eyes and read who the message was to or what it said, but decided against it. _Let’s go, impulse control._

“Hey.” Iwa nudged him and Oikawa lifted his head in response, rubbing his eyes and facing him. When he opened his eyes he was a couple of inches closer to Hajime’s face than he expected. Hajime held up the second controller. 

“Still wanna play?”

  
  
  


It was around midnight when the boys gave up on playing- the last few rounds got extremely competitive when Oikawa lost three times in a row.

“This is absolute bullshit, there’s no way _Mario’s_ that good!”

“What are you saying, dipshit?”

He smacked the back of his best friend’s head probably a little too hard as he whined an “I’m sorry, Iwa-chan!” in response. Iwa grumbled and took the controller from Tooru’s hand, accidentally aiming too far with his fingers and feeling them gently slide over the other’s.

_Soft…_

Iwa squeezed his eyes shut as if that would dispel the unwanted thoughts from his mind. The night had been going great so far with no slip-ups, even when Oikawa’s pretty face was just inches away from his own on his shoulder. He didn’t know why it was so hard to control his thoughts today. Something was definitely different.

 _It's just like any other sleepover, it's fine,_ he told himself as he grabbed his phone. _See if Nabe texted back, that’ll distract you._

He opened his phone to three new messages.

  
  


From: hajime <3

To: Nabe <3

Subject: Tmrw

Message:

Hey, Nabe. What are you up to?

  
  
  


From: Nabe <3

To: hajime <3

Subject: Tmrw

Message:

hiii babe!!! i’m just with chiyoko, she’s still upset.

  
  
  


From: Nabe <3

To: hajime <3

Subject: Tmrw

Message:

don’t worry, i’m not mad at you

  
  
  


From: Nabe <3

To: hajime <3

Subject: Tmrw

Message:

i’m mad at oikawa though

  
  
  


He read over these a few times and ran his tongue over the fronts of his top teeth before beginning to type out a response.

  
  
  


From: hajime <3

To: Nabe <3

Subject: Tmrw

Message:

I understand that. I’m sorry about him. Straightening him out as we speak. Do you want to go out for breakfast tomorrow?

  
  
  


From: Nabe <3

To: hajime <3

Subject: Tmrw

Message:

totally! i just have to wait til chi-chan gets picked up by her mom in the morning and then i can meet you somewhere. i’m so excited to see you!

  
  
  


Iwa put his phone down, feeling a familiar sense of relief wash over him. Oikawa had been sitting with his legs crossed at the head of his bed, watching him.

“You creep… ” Iwa joked.

“What?! It’s not like there’s anything else to look at in here, everything else is bland as fuck.” He looked like he was gonna say something but then stopped himself. Iwa raised an eyebrow, shoving his phone in the pocket of his pajama pants. 

“Oh how sweet, you think I’m _not_ bland as fuck.” He laughed and joined the other in bed, grabbing his blanket and pulling it over them on the way.

‘Well obviously,” Tooru grumbled under his breath as he grabbed at the blanket to cover himself as well. It had been a while since they slept in the same bed together and that became very clearly obvious when Tooru practically pressed his body against the inside wall.

Iwa turned on his side to face the other and propped his head up with his arm, staring at him. “Well then what am I?”

He wasn’t teasing this time, he was genuinely curious. He always saw himself as… well he wouldn’t say _bland,_ but he also wouldn’t say interesting either. Structural maybe? Level-headed? 

“You’re strong,” Oikawa began. He was laying on his back staring at the ceiling, face pink. Iwa watched him closely as he continued.

“You’re smart, smarter than me at least.”

“That’s not true.”

“Shut up.”

Iwa listened and shut his mouth.

“You… have a good f-form,” his voice was weaker with this one. Face redder too.

“Mm. What do you mean?”

He knew what he meant, he just wanted to see him suffer a bit.

“Like, you have a good build, you know. Strong.” He blinked. “I already said strong, didn’t I.”

“Stop being nervous.”

Tooru jumped up and clutched the blanket tightly, turning his head. 

“I’m not!”

“You are.”

“I’m really not.”

“Then say what you wanna say.”

_Why am I pushing? What do I even want to hear him say?_

Iwa continued. “You’re so eager and quick to flirt with girls and you know exactly what to say to make them weak. I want to know what makes you so damn nervous to talk to _me._ I’ve been here with you since the beginning. I know you better than anyone else.”

_Stop pushing._

The flush on Tooru’s face disappeared and he lowered his eyebrows. “I know you do…”

A moment passed that felt like an eternity. They didn’t break eye contact.

“I’m not _trying_ to make you weak. You’re my best friend.”

Iwa felt his mouth grow dry. He blinked a few times and then flopped onto his back. 

“Yeah. I know.”

He wanted so bad to say _then why did you try to kiss me?_ But he’d already crossed a line tonight. Nabe wouldn’t be happy if she knew she wasn’t the first person on his mind. 

The tension in the room was thick now, and it was uncomfortable. Another dry moment passed before Iwa attempted to cut it.

“I think you’re strong too.”

Now _he_ was the flustered one.

He turned to face his friend whose eyes were closed. “Oh really? You think so?” There was a sly tone in his voice. _This_ was the Oikawa he knew.

“Yeah, really. I’m going to bed now. Goodnight Tooru.” He turned over onto his side and let out a half-grumble half-sigh. 

Their dynamic had become interesting this way; when Oikawa was his usual confident self Iwa felt inferior to him, a bystander. He liked it that way. Oikawa was a natural leader and loved by everyone. The only times it wavered was when Iwa was angry at something Tooru did and he had to put him in his place. That’s how it was for the majority of their friendship and that was okay. Only recently had things started to switch more often, where Oikawa was more often the inferior personality between them. It was uncomfortable and confusing and he wanted to make things normal again. 

Hearing Tooru sound like his normal self again was reassuring and he relaxed his body. The air from his ceiling fan tickled his shoulders which ached from over-working himself during today’s game. 

It was gonna be hard to fall asleep after that exchange.

He watched the minute hand on his clock move from six to nine before noticing Oikawa’s breath slow. He’d fallen asleep before Iwa this time. Turning over again, he took a risky look at his friend’s face.

The usually cocky boy with a playful attitude had a peaceful look on his face, almost like a sleeping baby. Iwa was very familiar with this particular face- he didn’t want to admit it but he’d snuck glances at sleeping Tooru multiple times before. It was just that he looked so angelic and pure. Not… corrupted.

Iwa winced at his choice of a descriptor. He didn’t really want to call his friend corrupted, but it was probably the only word that fit. Over the last few years Tooru had let himself fall apart by engaging in a lot of reckless behavior. Iwa did his best to monitor it and steer him in the right direction, but he didn’t want to be noticeably controlling. He didn’t want Oikawa to see that he was trying to save him- no not save him, protect him. This made it difficult trying to decide what he should and shouldn’t say. 

Iwa sighed. Tooru wasn’t corrupted. He was just struggling.

Iwa didn’t want him to struggle anymore.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I LOVED WRITING THIS CHAPTER  
> i figured i had to throw in some more tension ya know, the GOOD kind  
> things are beginning to pick up. don't worry!  
> as always, kudos, comments and shares are greatly appreciated :)


	8. i let you find it on your own

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hi!!! a few tings,  
> so 1. i'm so sorry for uploading later than i promised, i needed an unexpected break but i'm back now!!!  
> expect updates anywhere from 1-3 days apart :)  
> also, this chapter is short.  
> ALSO I DON'T KNOW A LOT ABT how Japanese culture works,   
> i apologize profusely if i ever sound ignorant  
> anyways thank you so much for reading and your support :)

Oikawa sat on a stool in Iwa’s kitchen, eagerly watching the other teen make scrambled eggs over the stove. Propping his head up with his elbow, he let his gaze move from Iwaizumi’s shoulders down his back to his ass. He had a reeeally nice body. Tooru liked to admire it whenever he could. The way his arm muscles flexed in his t-shirt made his stomach flutter. His biceps grew larger every year. 

Iwa seasoned the eggs and grabbed a spatula to move them onto a small plate. He drizzled ketchup over them and handed the plate to Tooru with a fork. 

“Here.” 

Tooru licked his lips and smiled up at his friend. He couldn’t help but notice how… “husbandly” he looked. Lowering his eyelids, he tried to picture the teen wearing a cute pink apron-- and nothing  _ but _ that apron.

“Take the plate, weirdo.” Iwa was still standing there moments later, arm growing sore from holding the plate outwards. Tooru obliged and took the plate gently, grabbing a fork and beginning to eat.

Iwa just grabbed a water bottle from the fridge and joined his friend, chugging it as he ate. He wasn’t too hungry; maybe it was the sleep deprivation from the night before. He had failed at ceasing his mental spiral and spent most of the hours analyzing Oikawa’s beautiful face while daydreaming (or I guess night-dreaming? but that would just be dreaming) about everything he wanted to do with Oikawa. Everything that couldn’t be blamed on how  _ close of friends  _ they were. Finishing his bottle, Iwa scoffed to himself. Yeah, so close that they probably both dreamed about sleeping with each other.

Tooru was still happily chipping away at his breakfast when Iwa stood up and stretched, pulling out his phone and checking for the time. He was supposed to meet Nabe at around 10 for breakfast; the place was easily within walking distance so he had some time to freshen up with it being 8:13. 

“Shitty-kawa,” he began. “You have plans today?”

Swallowing a bite, he grinned. “Well I was hoping I could stay here a bit, is that okay?”

He sighed. “No, actually. I’m getting breakfast with Nabe soon.”

“Oh.” Oikawa’s face fell drastically with no warning to try and suppress it. Iwa furrowed his brows. He was never this upset about having to go home early… he must’ve missed him a lot. This made him feel warm.

“You almost done, fatass?”

“Hey! You literally weigh more than me, jerk,” responded Tooru while handing Iwaizumi his empty plate. 

Iwa washed the plate in silence that felt a little uncomfortable. When he finished, he turned his head to Oikawa who was staring at the floor. He really  _ did  _ look upset. A small pit formed in Iwa’s stomach and he approached his friend again, hand on him. The empty look dissipated from his face.

“Do you want me to walk you home at least?”

Again, Oikawa’s body responded quickly without any sort of buffer. His shoulders tensed up and made a sort of a squeaky noise with his throat. No one else would’ve noticed this except Iwa.

Tooru laughed nervously. “Ah… could I just come along to breakfast?”

Iwa pulled off his hoodie, beginning to walk towards his bedroom.

“Why on earth would you wanna do that? You don’t like Nabe.”

He came back thirty seconds later in a new shirt and a denim jacket, carrying deodorant and a hairbrush. 

“I never said I didn’t like her…”

“You didn't have to. It's been pretty clear for quite a bit.” There was a teasing sort of smile on Iwa’s face as he brushed his hair, but poor Oikawa didn’t pick up on it.

“Well I’m  _ sorry  _ Iwa-chan, we just don’t have that much in common. But I want to get to know her.” He sounded like he struggled to get the last few words out, and it took everything in Iwaizumi not to break out into laughter. 

“This is a date, Tooru.” He turned to face his friend whose face was below his own due to him still sitting on the stool.

_ A date. _

The words hurt the both of them simultaneously as soon as they were said out loud.

_ That shouldn’t have hurt as much as it did. _

Iwa swallowed and continued, placing a ginger hand on Oikawa’s shoulder. “I’d love for you to be there, but this is supposed to be one-on-one time.”

Oikawa gazed back up at him with unfiltered sadness in his eyes. He looked like a child who’d lost his mother at the mall. Iwa couldn’t bear to look for a moment longer and he stripped his eyes away, feeling the other’s stare linger. He parted his lips for a moment then spoke hesitantly. “Don’t do that.” 

“I’m sorry…” Tooru began. The sadness engulfing his face faded and he looked content again. Iwa was envious of how easy it was for him to put on a face for others and make them so believable. Though Iwa could see through the fake ones easily now. Despite looking content, Oikawa now seemed conflicted, like there was something he was going to say but decided against it.

“So do you want me to walk you home or not?”

“Yeah, walk me home Iwa-chan.”

  
  
  
  
  


The walk back to Tooru’s house was silent.

  
  
  
  
  


Hajime sat in an empty booth in the corner of the diner, checking his phone constantly now for messages. It was 10:33.

It wasn’t common for Nabe to be late to their dates… not until recently. He wasn’t blaming her, it wasn’t necessarily an issue before. Just sort of a minor inconvenience. 

Usually though she’d shoot a text his way as a warning at least. Today there wasn’t one. Truthfully, it had only been a half hour but that didn’t stop Iwa from messaging Nabe four times now, each something along the lines of “Where are you?”

Another twenty minutes passed. It was 10:54 now.

Iwa leaned backwards in his booth, watching a couple that had come in minutes after him now leave. He ran his tongue over his teeth and grabbed his phone again.

Opening his conversation with Nabe again, he scrolled through his last few messages before adding another: “Let me know if you’re okay. If not, I’m checking up on you at your house.”

His thumb hovered over the send button and then hit it when the waitress startled him.

“Hi sweetie, you still waiting?” She placed a hot coffee on the table; Iwa had ordered it after being there for quite a while. Her face looked sorry for him and this only irked Iwaizumi more.

“Yeah,” he answered, still staring at his phone. The waitress got the message and left him alone.

He decided to text Oikawa to pass the time. Exhaling slowly, he compiled a message in his head before typing it out.

_ “Hey loser, I miss you, what are you doing?” _

Wait, no. That felt too couple-y. He erased the  _ “I miss you”  _ and then hit send.

Barely a minute passed before he got a notification. He did his best to ignore the fact that he was hoping it was from Oikawa.

And it was from Oikawa. 

“cleaning my room lol”

Iwa read over it twice and began to type, but he sent another message.

“how’s your date?”

Remembering again his current situation, he typed out,  _ “She’s late, so I’m talking to you.” _

At home, Oikawa smiled after receiving that message and practically hugged his phone to his chest. Iwa was actually spending his meant-to-be-date time on his best friend. He felt guilty for being happy about this-- Iwa’s girlfriend should probably come first always, but he kept smiling nonetheless. 

He flopped back onto his bed holding his phone above his face.

“ohhh so you miss me iwa-chan? how sweet :)”

He sit send and flipped his phone to face downwards, staring at it. He turned onto his stomach and felt his anticipation growing. He had never been this excited for a text notification before. Sure enough, two minutes later he heard the familiar ding and grabbed his phone before the sound had even stopped.

“Yeah.”

Tooru pouted. He was so dry sometimes.

But at least he said yeah.

He started to type again while letting his mind wander. 

Iwaizumi texting him in that moment was almost perfect timing. It was an amazingly effective distraction from the looming presence of his father. Not seeing him in years had caused a lot of his early childhood trauma to remain hidden and become easily manageable, but there was no worse trigger than his literal father.

He was one year clean of alcohol now. This was an amazing step, he really seemed to be doing better and wanted to mend things between himself, his wife and Tooru.

They had a forced breakfast together as a “family” as soon as Tooru had arrived home. It was terrifying. His dad was treading lightly and treating everything (and everyone) in the home as if they were fragile. This annoyed Tooru, and despite having eaten earlier at Iwaizumi’s place, he stuffed his face with pancakes to avoid having to speak to anyone. He probably didn’t even make eye contact except for with his mother once when she told him to slow down. Swallowing his last bite, he took his dishes to the sink and scrubbed them quickly before hiding in his room once again.

The anxiety that was present in his stomach moments ago was now muted thanks to Iwa’s messages. He rolled onto his side and held his phone in one hand, watching as Iwa typed and feeling a relaxing blanket of something like love lay over him.

Iwa checked the clock one last time before standing up and walking out. It was now approaching noon, and he didn’t know whether to be hurt, worried or pissed. Was he actually going to stop by Nabe’s house to check on her? 

He sighed. That was probably the best decision to make in that moment. But he didn’t really want to… 

_ Idiot. Why wouldn’t you want to go to your girlfriend’s house? Especially if she could potentially be in danger? _

Despite scolding himself in his mind, his feet eventually carried him down a familiar road. He didn’t even realize where he was headed for a while, just focusing on his heavy train of thought. 

_ Oikawa never texted me back after the last thing I said. We probably texted back and forth for like an hour, and I didn’t ask a question, but still. Maybe I annoyed him and he was waiting for  _ me  _ to stop texting. _

Hajime wasn’t sure what made him suddenly anxious about his texting habits, but he didn’t like it. 

Ten minutes later, he realized that he was standing in front of Tooru’s door.

He sucked in his lips. Well, it wasn’t like him to come unannounced, but… he paused as he reached for the front door. Maybe he should knock. He pulled his hand back and awkwardly scratched the back of his head. Oikawa was  _ just  _ at his house, this was totally weird.

Or actually, no it wasn’t. They’d probably done this plenty of times as children. So why did it feel weird now?

He struck the door with his knuckles three times and let his arm rest at his side, waiting for his brunet friend to answer eagerly.

To his complete and utter surprise, it wasn’t Tooru who answered, but his father.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyyyyyyyy guys  
> missed ya :)  
> reads, kudos, comments and shares are greatly appreciated!!!


	9. touch my neck and i'll touch yours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> okay so this one includes a dream, it's indicated by the italics  
> heyyyyyyyy   
> hi  
> hey lol  
> this was fun to write   
> hav fun reading teehee

A few seconds that felt like an hour passed as the two men made eye contact and spoke thousands of words yet none at the same time. It took too long for Iwaizumi to process whom the man was standing in front of him, and he barely cleared his throat before he felt the big hand, once known for striking, rest firmly on his shoulder.

“Iwaizumi! It’s been a while.” 

He attempted a warm smile but it did nothing to make Iwa feel more comfortable. Oikawa’s  _ father  _ was home. This was absolutely huge, not in a good way in the slightest. Judging by the quietness of inside and the coffee mug in the large man’s other hand Iwa put together that he’d been there for at least a day. 

_ Why didn’t he tell me? _

“Are you alright, son? Did you fall asleep?” He chuckled and waved his hand in front of Iwa’s face, making him flinch hard and back up one step.   
“I’m fine. I… didn’t know you were back.”

He had to bite his tongue to keep himself from saying things he knew would do more harm than good. He’d grown into more of a man these past few years and as a result was more angry at the motherfucker rather than scared. He’d never hurt him personally in the past, but seeing how he mistreated his best friend hurt him in other ways that were almost just as bad. 

He averted his eyes and slipped past him in the doorway, nodding at Tooru’s mother who was in the kitchen as he quickly made his way up to the bedroom in this house he knew the best. He opened the door to Oikawa lying on his stomach on his phone. He looked up suddenly, startled.

“You didn’t tell me you were coming over!”

“Yeah, well I didn’t know either.”

He sat down on the empty space in his bed, removing his jacket and feeling a sudden wave of relief. He was happy to see Oikawa safe and sound. Obviously he would be safe, everything seemed normal up until being greeted by his scary father at the front door. Even if it was irrational to do so, Iwaizumi often found himself worrying about his best friend’s well-being more than his own. 

“Well I’m glad you’re here, Iwa-chan! I missed you.”

Iwaizumi’s eyes rested on the back of Tooru’s head, buried into his phone once again.  Annoying.

Iwa stared at his hands and contemplated whether he should ask the question or not. He knew it would make the energy uncomfortable; Oikawa wouldn’t answer right away. He would probably avoid the question altogether. But it was a question he had to ask. 

He exhaled deeply, running his fingers up through his hair and leaning back against the headboard. Why did he feel so guilty? It was a question. He moved his legs so that they lay infront of him, knees slightly bent upwards. He nudged Tooru’s shoulder with his left leg.

“Mm?” he grunted in response, not putting his phone down.

A little ticked off, Iwa straightened himself and leaned forward, smacking the back of Tooru’s head. 

“ _ Ow,  _ you asshole! I said ‘what’!”

Oikawa sat up and turned to face the other, grumbling as he rubbed the back of his head. 

“Look at me when I talk to you.”

Oikawa’s stance moved slightly from annoyed to submissive, mouth closing instantly.

Iwaizumi raked his brain for the right words to say, then spat out the vague question of “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Why didn’t I tell you what?” He remained frozen in his position.

“That he’s back, idiot.” A heavy silence pooled between them, thick and cold. Iwa swallowed and looked at the wall while Oikawa’s face went through the motions of trying to come up with an acceptable answer. 

“I didn’t want to worry you…” was what he finally decided upon saying.  _ And I was scared. You scare me sometimes, Iwa.  _

Hajime looked back at Oikawa, seeing his gentle and honest expression. His own eyes softened and he let go of the mental breath he was subconsciously holding. Though he was still mildly upset. 

“You should tell me everything. That’s what I’m here for, Stupid-kawa.”

“Does Nabe tell you everything?”

Something told Iwa that this statement wasn’t intended. It was either the sharper tone of voice used as he said it or it was the immediate bite of his lower lip as if he was stopping himself from saying any more.

Iwa began to speak, stuttering. “Wha- I- … ” Face now growing flushed, he cleared his throat. “Why would you ask me that?”

“Answer the question.” Whatever doubt was once on Tooru’s face was now gone, replaced by a more playful curiosity. 

_ Fucking annoying,  _ Iwa thought as he furrowed his brows in Tooru’s direction.

He still couldn’t think of an answer.

He  _ knew  _ what the answer was; no, Nabe didn’t tell him everything. She almost didn’t tell him anything. But she was just like that… also, Iwa didn’t really ask too much. He didn’t want to push where he wasn’t welcome.  _ I still care, though. _

With Oikawa it was different. He didn’t care how “unwelcome” he was, he would always push until he gave in and told him what he needed to know. They really did know everything about each other and it hurt to imagine what it would be like otherwise.

Iwa knew the reason but would not admit it again. He had to keep it hidden away.

“She does tell me a lot. Not everything, but all that I need to know. Not everyone is as much of an open book as you.”

_ Shit, that sounded kinda mean.  _

He watched Tooru who was unphased by the remark. Or was he hiding how he truly felt? Usually Iwa could tell when he was, but he also had a feeling that Tooru had improved his art of deception to work against even his very best friend.

Again, this bothered him to think about and he shoved his face down into the pillow beside his body, grumbling with defeat.

* * *

  
  
  


_ Iwa woke up in the middle of a cold, hard floor. He sat up quickly, panic filling his body as he frantically turned his head side to side trying to recognize where he was. Shapes and colors were blurry, but began to form into harder lines. He was in Tooru’s living room. _

_ A sharp piercing yell cut through his racing thoughts and turned his confusion into alertness: he recognized the voice as Oikawa’s. Jumping to his feet, he started to run down the familiar hallway to the source of the yell. He staggered, teetering to the side and falling hard against the wall. He attempted to grip on to stay upright and his nails dug into the wall.  _ Green wallpaper,  _ he noticed. They painted over it years ago, strange.  _ Why am I so dizzy?

_ Using the firm wall to keep his body straight, he continued straight to Oikawa’s bedroom. There was another alarmingly loud “HELP!” and Iwa winced. His heart was racing, pumping louder and louder. It almost felt as if it was trying to break out of his ribcage and escape. Iwa gasped for air and collapsed onto the ground, army crawling. The room was 15 feet away now when originally it felt like less. The slow and aching process didn’t matter. Iwa had to make it inside to save his friend. _

_ Before he made it within arms reach of the doorway, the wooden door slammed open against the wall. The edge of the wood grazed his fingertips slightly and his eyes darted up. They landed on Tooru.  _

_ Iwa blinked. His friend looked fine. _

_ Not in pain, not upset. Nothing. _

_ If anything,  _ annoyance _ was gleaming off of his body. His arms were tightly crossed over his chest and he stared down at Hajime like he was an insect. _

_ “ _ Why _ are you on my floor, Iwa-chan?” _

_ With those words, the spinning of the room and the discomfort of his racing heart suddenly stopped. He clutched at it as he stood up, bewildered. The lighting in the hallway was also notably brighter. Straightening his position fully, he eyed a now smirking Oikawa in disbelief. “But… you were just…” _

_ His mouth clamped shut very quickly when the other boy grabbed his hand and yanked him directly into his bedroom. _

_ Was it his bedroom? It looked very different. It still had the aspects of the room Iwaizumi knew, but it was a little… more bare. There were also candles on every bare surface, causing a warm glow to settle across the walls.  _

_ The door shut magically behind them and the flickering light revealed Oikawa’s too-close face staring at him with half-lidded eyes. He let go of his grip and music began to play from everywhere and nowhere at once. Like in movies. _

Fucking sweater weather? _ thought Iwa, and felt his entire body stiffen. _

_ His  _ entire  _ body. _

_ Oikawa stepped backwards and sat down on the bed, patting the space next to him. _

_ “Come sit, Iwa-chan.” _

_ Iwaizumi immediately shoved his hands into the pockets of his sweats to hide the very obvious tent forming in his pants. The temperature was rising a degree a second. _

_ He nodded and slowly stepped forward, scanning Tooru’s body twice before gingerly lowering himself onto the bed next to the other boy. _

Is he real? Is this real?

_ He opened his mouth to speak but halted his words when two fingers pressed onto his bottom lip, dragging down slowly.  _

_ He couldn’t stop the shaky exhale from escaping his mouth and his eyelids fluttered. He wanted so badly to give in. He brought his arm up and grabbed Tooru’s wrist before he could pull it away.  _

_ They locked eyes. This was where he didn’t know what to do next. He knew what he wanted, he wanted  _ so bad  _ for him to continue. To let go of whatever he had holding himself back. Nabe, obviously. He couldn’t do it. _

_ But before he came to this decision, Tooru walked himself forward to straddle Iwa’s strong legs and pressed wet, hungry lips to his neck.  _

_ Iwa’s grip on his wrist tightened and he yelped out in surprise. He let himself fall back onto the bed but this didn’t do anything to help-- Oikawa was on top of his body now, sucking-- sucking  _ hard,  _ very very hard on his neck. Biting, even. It was almost orgasmic on its own. Iwa didn’t dare open his mouth and clenched his eyes shut. _

_ What finally made him give in was the pressure he felt from Oikawa rolling his hips downwards onto his own. “Fuck-” he whispered with a sense of urgency, now staring down at what was happening. He slipped a hand down and around behind Tooru’s slim body, sliding it up the back of his shirt and feeling the skin he’d always wanted to feel. It was hot, almost burning to the touch. It was soft, too; if someone had told him he was touching the bare back of a woman he wouldn’t have doubted it. _

_ Using his other hand, he gripped Tooru by his soft hair and pulled him off of his neck. His face was above his own now, just about two inches away. Tooru stared straight into his eyes while Iwaizumi examined every other part of his face first. His lips, cheeks, the bridge of his nose. He wanted to savor this exact moment. He wished he could memorize every skin cell. _

_ “Iwa-chaaan… look at me.” _

_ His eyes immediately flicked forward. It felt so good to be here. So, so good. He didn’t care if it wasn’t real. It felt real and was happening right now. _

_ Iwa let go of his grip on the back of Tooru’s head as he rolled his hips down again, and bucked his own hips up in response. A low groan escaped his throat and it took him a second to recognize it as his own.  _

_ “You make me so hard, Iwa-chan… I want you so bad…” _

_ “Shut the fuck up.” He pulled his head down again by the throat and pressed their lips together, finally.  _

* * *

  
  
  


Iwa woke up drenched in sweat. He was lying on his chest, the cloth of the pillow stuck to his cheek. He lunged backwards, ripping it off and rubbing his skin where it was. The last few events played through his mind once more. 

It all slipped away from him so fast. He was so happy in those moments and they’d never come back.

“Iwa?” He heard a soft voice call to him from the doorway.

Oikawa was in his pajamas, wearing glasses even, and holding two cups of water. His hair was tousled and he raised his eyebrows. 

“You were sweating in your sleep. Are you sick?”

Iwa shook his head and took the large cup of water handed to him, staring into it as if he was searching for something. It was hard to process that none if it had really happened. It just felt too damn real. 

He couldn’t bring himself to make eye contact for more than two seconds at a time. Tooru sat down on the edge of the bed and turned his body to face the other’s. He pulled his knees up to his chest and sipped his own water, watching Iwa’s facial expressions.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

Iwa placed the glass down on the bedside table and sighed, letting his eyes fall shut.   
“What time is it?”

“It’s 10. I assumed you wanted to stay the night.”

Iwa nodded, feeling somewhat guilty but also relieved. 

From this moment on, he was gonna struggle. He always had these desires hidden under whatever mask he was using at the time; the “our friendship would be ruined” mask, the “our team won’t play the same” mask or even the current “I love Nabe too much” mask. They weren’t too hard to ignore. Sure, there were moments where he’d let his mind slip occasionally. But these moments would subdue as fast as they’d appear. 

Not once did he ever experience what it would feel like if he didn’t need to hold back.

This was the first time.

Something told him there would be many more to come.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did u like it omg im so nervous  
> kudos, comments and shares are greatly appreciated!!!!!!


	10. but he tells me that i'm dreaming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> heyyyyy  
> filler chapter! (sort-of)  
> the next one is going to be a good one. i'm excited to write it.  
> thank u so much for reading!!!

Nabe’s blonde friend had stopped sitting with them at lunch after the ‘incident.’ There wasn’t a noticeable difference, Oikawa barely sensed any sort of presence from her. Immediately after stating that in his mind he scolded himself. 

_ Do better, Tooru. _

Lunch felt a bit more relaxing now that he didn’t have to worry about how to please her. It wasn’t exactly pleasant, he still had to watch Nabe touch Iwaizumi in more ways than he thought possible (it was actually quite angering at times and he had to look away). It wasn’t too hard to just stare at his food as he ate or watch other students interact in different parts of the courtyard. It was always surprising to see how many other groups wanted to eat outside despite it being freezing outside.

Today’s topic of boring conversation between the lovely couple was none other than cats. Nabe’s shrill voice whined about only wanting to buy pure-bread cats, while Iwa argued for adopting. 

Tooru chewed his lip, having a bit more difficulty tuning this topic out.

Iwa had adopted a cat when they were in middle school. An older one. She was kind, quiet and slow but a gentle soul. She was also very sick. Nobody knew that she was terminally ill until it was too late, and three years after she was adopted, her body was found limp and cold on the living room floor.

Her name was Mofu and Iwaizumi loved her more than anything for those three years. Though to everyone else he swore to be fine, Tooru knew for a fact that he didn’t take the death well. There were times where out of the corner of his eye, Tooru would spot Iwa running his hand gently over his own leg as if petting an animal. On occasion, the boy would also click his mouth like he was calling Mofu to him, and then he would stop immediately, remembering. 

He’d since stopped these habits as Mofu became a distant memory. 

Nabe was getting on Tooru’s last nerve today with her blatant ignorance (added to the annoyance he’d already had simmering in his gut after she stood up her boyfriend— she finally texted a day later with a lame excuse and apologized, but Tooru thought it sounded fake and desperate). He balled his fist and sat up, looking back and forth between the two. They were seated across from Tooru, Nabe practically on his lap. 

“I want my cat to be pretty, though, I want her to feel pampered.”

“That shouldn’t really matter Nabe, it matters if you love them and take care of them. Who cares what they look like?” 

There was a gentle smile on Iwaizumi’s face as he watched Nabe cautiously. He was being careful about what he said, not wanting to disagree with her too harshly.

“Are you dumb?” spat out a dumb-founded Oikawa.

He yelled out in pain as a sharp kick connected with his shin under the table. His eyes were met by Iwaizumi’s— which seemed to literally be on fire. 

_ You are not doing this shit again, _

Oikawa got the message and let his mouth close, pouting and putting his head down again.

He really needed to get better at tuning stuff out.

A sudden memory from last week re-entered his mind again, almost catching him by surprise. He’d been trying to suppress it honestly, but apparently that was going to be hard too. Thinking about it was a better option than lashing out at Nabe though, so he let down his guard and allowed the thoughts to flow through.

Iwa had dreamed about Tooru. Now, this wasn’t a definite fact and Oikawa was definitely just jumping to conclusions here, but all signs pointed to that being true,

This was specifically the night Iwa had fallen asleep after coming over unannounced. It had been a couple days since then (it now being Wednesday) and Oikawa hadn’t fully thought about it since the night it happened.

When Hajime fell asleep on his bed, it was unexpectedly adorable. Iwa falling asleep randomly was an extremely rare occurrence; it was very uncharacteristic of the healthy and strong ace of Seijoh. That was why Tooru just  _ had  _ to examine him. He had fallen asleep in a position that looked uncomfortable… on his chest with his face crammed into the pillow, ass in the air due to his slightly bent legs. His cheek was pushed up on the portion of his face that was showing, and there was drool forming at the corner of his mouth. 

Tooru instinctively reached over and swiped it away with his thumb, rubbing it off on his sweatshirt. The sleeping teen didn’t budge, eventually allowing more drool to start pooling out of his mouth, 

Tooru chuckled and gingerly maneuvered his body over Iwa’s and onto the other side of his bed, lying down and making himself comfortable. Iwa faced the wall, meaning Tooru was now staring at his broad back.  _ I wish it was summer. Then we could sleep shirtless again. _

It was funny how last year Tooru couldn’t care less about how much of Iwaizumi’s skin was exposed. Now he was getting a semi-hard on just from the inch of lower back skin exposed directly in front of him. As soon as he noticed it he couldn’t pry his eyes off. 

Exhaling through his bottom teeth, he turned his body so that he was flat against the bed, chest facing the ceiling. He kept his face turned to watch Iwa move slightly with every breath and slid a hand into his pants, stroking himself slowly over his boxers. “You don’t know what you do to me…” he whispered so softly that he almost only pronounced the consonants. 

“Oikawa.”

His heart clenched at the sound of his name said by a low, rumbly voice. Was he awake? How  _ long  _ was he awake? Did he hear him? His hand flew to his side and he held his breath tightly while staying silent. 

“Oikawa…”

This time, his name was spoken more gently and dragged out a little longer. Tooru blinked and slowly faced his best friend again, raising an eyebrow. So… he was most likely asleep. Sleep-talking?

He sat up and leaned over Iwaizumi’s warm body, scanning his face for a moment and then returning to his original position. Tooru had never heard him talk in his sleep before; this must’ve been an exhaustion thing. 

He said his name.

Twice. 

A deep burning sensation formed at his cheeks and spread down his neck. He sat up and held his hands together on his lap. There was no doubt about that one.

His eyes traveled to Iwa’s shoulders once more and he sighed. 

_ Does that mean he’s dreaming about me? _

_ Right now! _

_ Don’t be stupid, Tooru. Why would he? _

_ He could just be dreaming about us hanging out. _

_ Who dreams about something like that? _

_ Iwa would. He’s boring. _

Tooru laughed out loud and then clamped his hand over his mouth immediately. He widened his eyes as Iwa growled lowly, shifting his body before rolling onto his back and getting comfortable once again. His side was heavy on Tooru’s thigh and he tensed the entire left side of his body in response.

_ Don’t fucking move. _

For some reason being this close to Iwa was terrifying. Just the thought of waking him up was terrifying too. Oikawa didn’t exactly know why, but he knew that this was how he felt. This unexplained fear led him to stay still in this position for at least two hours, not wanting to risk missing the occasional mumble from a sleeping Hajime.

He finally left the room to get water for himself and Iwa, When he returned, Iwa was lying on his chest again. Tooru leaned against the door frame, a glass in each hand. He sipped his own as he admired what he saw, the corners of his lips lightly lifted.

The brunet almost jumped a foot in the air when Iwaizumi suddenly sat up and rubbed his face. He looked distressed and that alone tugged at his heart.

_ No more dreamy Hajime… _ he thought, mentally pouting.

The lunch bell rang and Oikawa jumped back to the present. Iwa and Nabe were done arguing about fostering cats and had apparently turned the conversation to which lunch meat was the best on sandwiches… irrelevant bullshit that meant nothing. 

Tooru stood up and took his empty tray to the trash can. He threw it away and paused. Maybe it wasn’t that irrelevant. Maybe he was being a jealous asshole.

_ It was my name, not yours,  _

_ He dreamed about me. _

He smirked discreetly to himself as he returned to the table to grab his book bag. Nabe had already caught up with her friends, leaving Iwa alone and waiting. Tooru met his eyes warmly and to his surprise Iwa looked away. 

Tooru’s heart almost skipped a step, Iwa had no trouble with eye contact, yet here he was averting his eyes? His smirk fell and he stood before his best friend.

“Uh… you ready to go?”

“Yeah,” 

Iwa stood up and they walked in step towards the school entrance as usual. They were silent, engulfed by the noise of students rushing to class as soon as they entered the broad doorway. They made their first turn and then Iwa cleared his throat,

“Matsukawa’s having a little get-together this weekend-“

“What? Speak up, I can’t hear you.”

Iwa slipped his arm under and through Oikawa’s and pulled him closer so he could speak in his ear. “I said we should go to Matsukawa’s this weekend.”

His voice was a little more forceful this time and the feeling of Iwa’s hot breath on Tooru’s ear was enough to make him shiver. 

“O-okay.” Tooru’s voice came out weaker than intended and whisped away into the crowd. Iwaizumi somehow undoubtedly heard him with his superhuman abilities and nodded. They turned the last corner and entered their classroom once again, the same way they did every single day without fail: Oikawa strolling in first, smiling at classmates and greeting a few, then Iwa coming in shortly after and receiving no looks other than Tooru waiting for him with an empty desk beside him.

_ If there were any girls in this class, he’d probably get some attention too. _

The boys had to force themselves to keep quiet during this class. They were notorious for their constant bickering, jokes and note-passing during lessons. The teacher had separated them a couple dozen times and it was mind-blowing that they hadn’t been officially assigned new seats.

Recently keeping quiet had become a bit easier.

Oikawa leaned his face on his arm and watched Iwa copy down notes (that he himself also should’ve been copying down). He longed for the moments he took for granted, the periods they’d spend just kicking each other’s legs under the table or avoiding eye contact just because they were on the verge of breaking into laughter.

Reaching his leg out instinctively, he tapped the back of Iwaizumi’s calf with his outstretched foot. The other teen continued to write, and not looking up from his notebook he raised his eyebrows. Tooru waited for a moment, then kicked his calf with a little more force.

Iwa’s body tensed up and he gripped his pencil tightly. He stopped writing and turned his face to Tooru.

“Hi,” Oikawa whispered.

“Hi.”

“What’s up.”

Iwa lowered his eyebrows and stared blankly. 

“Shouldn’t you be taking notes instead of bothering me?”

The teacher glanced in their direction and the boys turned to their own notebooks for a moment. After waiting, Oikawa faced Iwaizumi once again.

“I got boooored Iwa-chaaan…”

“What makes you think I can help you?”

“I don’t know, I like looking at your  _ sexy hands _ -”

Tooru stopped himself immediately after he’d processed what he just said. 

_ You fucking idiot. _

The boys locked eyes briefly and Tooru swallowed, wondering what Iwa would say in response. When five whole seconds had passed and Iwa  _ still  _ didn’t open his mouth, Tooru began to speak. 

“That’s not what I meant to say!”

“Then what  _ did _ you mean to say, Tooru?”

Both of their faces flushed red, and Iwa suddenly shoved his empty hand in his pocket. He picked up his pencil once again and continued his notes as if nothing had happened.

The voice in Iwa’s head began to argue with him.

_ He was joking, Iwa. It’s okay. Calm down. _

_ He obviously wasn’t joking. _

_ Okay, so what if he wasn’t? You’re with Nabe now. _

_ Should I be with Nabe if my best friend makes me feel things like this? _

_ She does too. _

_ No she doesn’t. _

_ You wish she did. _

_ I know. _

_ You can’t keep going on like this. _

_ I know. _

_ Do something about it. _

_ Like what? _

_ Figure it out. Soon. _

_ Okay. I will. _

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG almost 1k reads on my first fic :0  
> thank you so much for all the love!!!  
> seeing ur comments makes my day and i love writing this story.


	11. put my finger on your tongue cause you love the taste

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wow sorry this took so long!  
> i have a feeling that this wasn't well written but i think i'm just anxious lol  
> this chapter and the next one are pretty meaty (content-wise lol)  
> have fun reading!!!

The get-together at Matsukawa’s was a nice surprise and honestly well-needed. None of the boys on the team were doing too great-- mostly due to stress caused by volleyball, schoolwork, or even the nasty cold weather. The skies were dull lately and that had an effect on the majority of students at Seijoh, making everyone just a little on edge.

It was a good idea for the oldest boys on the volleyball team to have a night to kick back and calm down. 

With alcohol, of course.

Iwa and Tooru sat on the floor shoulder-to-shoulder, forming a sort-of circle with several other players from their team. Across from where they were seated stood Matsukawa, chatting with Kunimi and Mad Dog (his name was Kyotani but nobody actually called him that) at either side, plus a handful of other guys scattered across the room. Tooru glanced over at Kunimi and smiled; he was the youngest one there. He must’ve been a pretty cool first-year to get invited to hang out at Matsukawa’s. 

Kunimi just nodded back and turned back to his friend, continuing their conversation.

Tooru grumbled and lowered his head, a bit peeved. Iwaizumi was now engaged in a conversation with Mad Dog and left Tooru completely alone. He stood up and walked across the room to the cooler to grab a beer for himself and his best friend. Returning to his seat on the floor, he placed a bottle in front of the oblivious teen and sat down again, cracking open his own bottle and beginning to chug. He tuned into the conversation still going beside him.

“...she wears it every day, actually. Yeah, her name’s Nabe…”

Tooru groaned out loud.

_Stop talking about her._

He hadn’t realized that Iwa had turned to face him, and when he looked up once again he was startled by meeting his eyes.

“What’s the problem, Loser-kawa?”

Mad Dog glared directly at Oikawa from beside Iwa-- but he always glared.

 _Creepy,_ Tooru thought and he lowered his eyebrows.

“There’s no problem, Iwa-chaaan,” he responded, shoving his arm gently and smiling. Despite his attempt to lighten the mood, Iwa didn’t budge.

Fear poked Tooru’s abdomen gently. Did he really fuck up this time?

When Iwa scoffed and returned to his conversation with Mad Dog, the fear subsided. Tooru just may have overreacted a bit.

After a couple of drinks Oikawa’s mood lifted and he began to socialize as usual. He’d left his spot on the floor a while ago, and was chatting it up with Matsukawa. Iwa had gone off somewhere else as well. 

Taking a quick swig and finishing his third bottle of beer, he tossed it in the trash can and turned back to Matsukawa with a question he’d been holding in for quite a bit.

“So who’s the lucky lady?”

Matsukawa’s eyes widened and he blinked once. “Lady? What?”

“I see the way you smile at your phone, you can’t hide from me.” Tooru smiled slyly, pulling a wine cooler out of thin air. He leaned back gently against the wall, beginning to drink while also eyeing a now flustered teen looking for a proper response.

“I… do like someone.” Matsukawa began, visibly uncomfortable. And then showed no signs of continuing.

“Whaaat??? You can’t just end it there, asshole!” He almost dropped his open bottle as he jumped away from the wall, causing Matsukawa to flinch.

“Why don’t you tell me about yours, then? You’re obviously in love with someone right now.”

Tooru’s arms fell to his sides. 

“What? What do you mean?”

Matsukawa’s face was slightly pink now. He glanced around like he had just said something he wasn’t supposed to say.

“Nothing. Nevermind.”

Tooru felt the tips of his fingers grow numb. What on earth was he talking about? He wasn’t in love with _any_ girl.

Seeing the gears working in Oikawa’s head, Matsukawa rushed to the kitchen and came back with a glass and a whiskey bottle, knowing this would definitely distract his almost alcoholic teammate. It worked as expected, and Oikawa took the half-full glass from the other almost immediately.

They’d made too much commotion apparently because the rest of the team began to approach, with the word “shots!” ringing all throughout the crowd. Matsukawa placed the bottle down and left to find his parents’ shot glasses.

After about four shots, Iwaizumi decided that his friend had had enough. Tooru’s cheeks were glowing especially pink and his forehead shone with a thin layer of sweat. He was grinning ear to ear and leaning onto the wall for support. Sighing, Iwa walked forward and stepped behind him just in case he were to slip and fall backwards.

Iwa wasn’t much of a drinker; he’d had enough after two beers. But he didn’t need to drink to have fun. It was fun enough just being around his teammates, and Oikawa. A little bit of alcohol was nice to loosen up, but he’d never been _drunk_ drunk before.

Watching the group take turns taking shots, he bit his tongue gently. They looked like they were enjoying themselves… a lot. Iwaizumi’s shoulders tensed up as his mind wandered. He constantly felt an empty feeling that he could usually ignore, but for some reason today happened to be one of the days where he couldn’t. It was sticking out like a sore thumb. Despite the two drinks he’d already had.

_Maybe I should push my limits today._

_Just once. I deserve it._

Iwa didn’t notice Oikawa leaving his sight until he returned with two shot glasses filled with clear liquid. 

“Vodka,” he said softly while bringing himself just an inch too close. Iwa’s tense shoulders loosened and he grabbed the thinner, taller glass from the other. 

“I’m just drinking one, Oikawa.”

Tooru just smiled and hooked his arm through Iwa’s so that they were hanging onto eachother’s elbows.

 _This_ made Iwa blush for some odd reason. He kept his eyes on Tooru, clinking their glasses together and then taking the drink down quickly. His throat almost closed involuntarily at just the sole burn of the liquor. Straightening his head again, he wiped his watery eyes and tried his hardest not to cough. He didn’t want eyes on him making fun of them for not being able to handle a shot of _vodka_. Luckily, the two of them seemed to be given their own little bubble of space. Though they were in the same room as everyone else, Iwaizumi felt secluded.

Oikawa had moved in another two inches closer. His body was turned slightly outwards and his side was just _so close_ to be pressing into Iwa’s front. 

He swallowed, now too aware of the closeness.

“Could you get me another?”

He figured this was a good way to get him away for a moment.

Oikawa lit up at the request and immediately went off to fetch the glasses, and Iwa sighed in relief. 

But he also felt that familiar pang of emptiness again. He was sweating, now, despite the sliding glass door being cracked open (it was winter, too). He unzipped his hoodie and rolled up his sleeves. This made little to no difference but he definitely didn’t want to remove it completely and be seen walking around in just a wife-beater.

Oikawa returned with two full-sized glasses this time-- too full of what he assumed to be whiskey.

“Are you out of your mind? This shit’s expensive!”

Oikawa just grinned and shushed him, handing him the glass. He sipped from his own, standing slightly ahead of Iwaizumi’s body and facing the television. A re-run of Law and Order was playing.

Iwa began sipping his own drink, physically cringing at the uncomfortable taste. He’d had hard liquor possibly two other times, maybe three, and even then it was just to try the flavors.

He couldn’t help but worry a bit about what it would be like to be actually drunk.

Soon enough, the anxiety began to subside and was replaced with a light giddy feeling.

Oikawa’s vision was already spinning slightly. Maybe filling a tall glass with straight whiskey wasn’t a great idea… 

But then again, he was happy he finally got the chance to see Iwa drunk. 

As he watched the screen in front of him, he felt something gently rest on his shoulder. A low voice whispered into his ear, “that lady on the screen looks like you but prettier.”

Iwa’s hot breath tickled his ear and he physically jumped while processing the lame joke his best friend had just made.

Drunkenly laughing, Oikawa stumbled backwards and gently into Iwa’s firm body. He felt Iwa stabilize him by grabbing his hips and immediately sucked his breath in. There was practically no space between them. 

“You okay?” Iwa quietly asked as the brunet turned his head back to smile at his best friend. Neither of them made any attempt at escaping their current position and acknowledged this when they maintained eye contact for what felt like ten whole minutes.

Comfortable eye contact.

Oikawa didn’t want to pry his eyes away, but he eventually had to.

He didn’t want to be stared at by the rest of the team. 

None of them seemed to be looking in their direction, they were all distracted by their own conversations.

He stared in the direction of the TV again but couldn’t focus this time. There was an entire body pressed against his backside, and his focus was now on every part of his body that was touching him. He felt every shift of Iwa’s toned muscles, every twitch of his fingers on his hips.

He didn’t want to move.

This was possibly the closest he would ever get to what he wanted.

A few minutes passed by, and Iwa’s large hand suddenly rested against the base of Tooru’s throat. He swallowed in shock. 

“Iwa?”

“Wanna finish my drink?”

His low voice rumbled against Tooru’s skin, his breath adding a thin layer of moisture to the underside of his ear. Tooru held back a shiver. There were so many voices in his head just screaming at him to grab Iwa and pull him into the nearest enclosed space. He exhaled cautiously, arching his back just enough so that it wasn’t noticeable to the eye but he made sure Iwa felt it.

Iwa did in fact feel it, and he pushed his hips upwards slightly in response.

Tooru couldn’t take the pressure.

He gently tilted his head back and whispered “Iwa-”

The hand on his throat moved up to firmly grab his jaw, stopping him from saying anything else. It pulled him back so that his back pressed against Iwa’s warm chest. 

Two big fingers slid into his mouth and roughly pried his mouth open. The cool edge of Iwaizumi’s glass pressed into his bottom lip for a moment and then slipped upwards to the opening of his mouth. He began to pour.

The whiskey was still ice cold despite it being out for at least twenty minutes. Or maybe it was less. It was hard to tell anymore.

The chilling liquid flowed into his body, numbing him from his throat down to his abdomen. He had goosebumps; they were either from the temperature of the drink, or from the feeling of Iwaizumi swiping the drop of liquor that spilled off of his chin.

He pulled his hand away and Tooru had to stop himself from whining _no, please, put it back._

But they were still surrounded by others.

No one was looking at them… 

Why? They were practically all over each other. 

No wait, they were quite literally all over each other.

_Does it matter? You're in love._

“Why did you do that?”

Iwa was silent, choosing not to speak.

But he wasn’t going to get away with that.

Oikawa pulled his body off and turned to face him. He stared straight into his eyes, trying to decipher what they were feeling.

But they were stone cold as always. Iwa turned his head to the side, now avoiding eye contact.

It was as if nothing had just happened between them.

Nothing at all.

Oikawa spun around and picked up the empty glass that was on the floor. He brought it to the kitchen, vision not only blurred from intoxication but now tears as well. He felt like he’d just been insulted. Mocked for his attraction to his childhood friend.

The glass dropped from his hand and hit the floor, shattering into millions of tiny pieces. He didn’t even bother to tell anyone. Backing up into the wall, he stared at the remnants of what was once beautifully intact.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY LOL did u like it omg  
> heyyyy  
> u look pretty today


	12. been calling you "friend," might need to give it up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> whew okay, a few things  
> first off: i'm so sorry for the late update. got caught up with college stuff, also fell in love with a new show and binge-watched it-- look out for some miraculous ladybug pics coming your way (along w more haikyuu and other fandoms, pls comment suggestions because i will take ALL of them into consideration)  
> also i changed the title!!!  
> this chapter's... interesting! i hope you enjoy :)

Iwaizumi woke up with his jaw clenched and a pounding headache. He rolled over onto his side and opened his mouth, releasing the achingly tight tension. His whole body was sticky from a dried layer of sweat. His shirt clung to his back. He pinched it and tugged it off, removing it over his head and tossing it into the hamper across the room. He sat up, hunched over and flinched at the pain strengthening in his temples.

So _this_ was what a hangover felt like.

He stretched out his hands in front of his face, dancing around the weird empty hole in his mind. He couldn’t remember what he was missing, but he knew it was something he was growing increasingly worried about. Swallowing to wet his dry throat, he lowered his head and stared at the floor to focus. Why did he feel like this?

His phone buzzed and lit up displaying a game notification, followed by a string of texts sent hours ago from Tooru.

The uneasy feeling gripped his chest tight, though he still didn’t make the connection. He just knew now that it had something to do with Tooru. He grabbed his phone and read the messages.

  
  


From: Shittykawa

To: iwa-chan <3

Subject: hi

Message:

hey

  
  
  


From: Shittykawa

To: iwa-chan <3

Subject: hi

Message:

can we talk about what you did last night?

  
  
  


From: Shittykawa

To: iwa-chan <3

Subject: hi

Message:

text me when you’re awake please…

  
  
  


Last night. 

Iwa scratched his head and encouraged the gears in his brain to work harder, faster.

Last night.

Suddenly, every second of the four hours he’d spend at Matsukawa’s house replayed in his head all at once. 

He gripped the hair on his head and inhaled sharply.

That was real? He really did that?

He let go of his hair and brought a shaky hand to his phone. He needed to respond. But with what? What could he even say at this point?

  
  
  


From: iwa-chan <3

To: Shittykawa

Subject: hi

Message:

I’m awake.

  
  
  


It took about ten minutes of typing and erasing for him to finally come up with a coherent sentence that didn’t make him too vulnerable. Yes, the sentence was formed of two words. That was a minor issue.

Oikawa answered before Iwaizumi even had time to put his phone down.

  
  
  


From: Shittykawa

To: iwa-chan <3

Subject: hi

Message:

how did you sleep?

  
  
  


He repositioned himself. That was a normal question… maybe he was safe. Maybe Oikawa had decided to pretend it never happened.

No, that wasn’t right. He’d literally just texted him asking to talk about it.

Iwa decided not to answer him.

* * *

Oikawa paced around his bedroom so much that he swore his feet had worn an actual pathway onto the carpeted floor. It had been two hours since Iwa’s first reply, and he had yet to answer again.

That asshole responded to his multiple texts with two words.

Two.

_“I’m awake.”_

_Obviously I know that, Iwa. You couldn’t have texted me while you were sleeping._

That’s what he wanted to answer, but he just couldn’t. Things weren’t the same anymore.

He sat down on his bed, dropping his phone face down. Things absolutely were not the same, and they would never be the same again. It was just a matter of which direction the two of them would start to move. 

He leaned back and rolled his neck around slowly, releasing tension that was still there from last night. If they were a normal friendship, they’d be able to get over it quickly and everything would be fine. It would make for a funny story, even. 

But this wasn’t a normal friendship. Far from it, actually.

Normal friendships didn’t casually consist of one person hopelessly in love with the other.

Normal friendships didn’t allow jealousy over their friend’s significant other.

Oikawa scoffed and tightened his hand into a fist. Significant other. Other who is significant.

 _I’m more significant to you than_ her.

Alas, people didn’t use that term for lifelong friends. Though it technically fit. 

Iwa was his significant other. He didn’t have to be Iwa’s.

Glancing at his phone one last time (no new messages but that was what he expected), he shoved it under a pillow and stood up, grabbing a towel and trudging to the bathroom. He’d long ago discovered that the best thing for his hangovers was getting totally cleaned up.

After he finished showering, he dried his hair with his towel and stood in the center of his bedroom. They didn’t have school today; he had no plans otherwise and wanted to make the most of his free time. Sitting in his room would only allow him to fret over his best friend more, so he decided to throw on some sweats and go for a run, despite having just showered.

It was fine. He liked showering.

He slipped his sneakers on and yelled “I’ll be back in an hour!” down the empty hallway. 

_Hm. Too empty._

As he spun to leave, a firm hand gripped his shoulder suddenly. He immediately tensed his upper body.

“Where are you headed?”

Was he just imagining it? Or was there a faint smell of booze dripping from those words?

Only _he_ would drink so early in the morning. So much for being clean.

Oikawa turned and plastered on an innocent smile, though he wasn’t actually hiding anything. “I’m just going for a run.”

They stood face to face for a few moments until his dad released his grasp on Tooru’s shoulder and nodded. 

“Stay safe.”

Tooru left as quickly as he could, shutting the door and putting his earbuds in in one seemingly swift motion. He didn’t look drunk… maybe the alcohol scent was in his head. Reminiscent of how things used to be.

He ended up being out for an hour more than he planned. He had to run extra to burn off the pool of anxiety in his lower stomach that had grown from the earlier interaction. Anxiety with more than one source was always a lot harder to get rid of.

He also ran into Iwaizumi. Physically. Which extended the time as well.

He was set on distracting himself from the aching feeling, plus the distraction of his music, plus the familiarity of where he was-- he was nearing the front of the high school-- his eyes were closed. Just, completely shut. Like an idiot.

He collided with Iwa’s side with full force and sent them both tumbling forwards. Oikawa’s eyes flashed open and he felt himself landing on top of the other’s body. 

Almost perfectly.

Both panting, Iwa stared up to see _who_ exactly was now straddling him under the shade of the trees. And with his luck, it absolutely had to be the person he least wanted to see. 

_Funny how he’s simultaneously the first and also the last person I want on top of me._

Oikawa’s soft brown tufts of hair framed his face as he looked down, registering the situation. They breathed in time with each other, and a faint blush formed on his cheeks. 

“It’s like we’re in a shoujou, huh?”

Oikawa grinned at his own comment and it sent Iwaizumi’s heart spiraling.

He couldn’t take it.

“Get off of me.”

Tooru nodded and complied, lifting himself up and brushing the dirt off of his sleeves. There was a sad… no, unsure expression now on his eyes.

Iwa stood up as well, and began to speak.

“I wasn’t feeling well so I decided to go for a walk. I left my phone at home.”

That was sure to be enough of an excuse for not texting back, and relief washed over him when he saw Tooru mentally accept this as well.

He hadn’t actually left his phone at home. It was in his pocket. But his phone and his wallet were about the same size, Tooru wouldn’t speculate.

They automatically began to walk together, and Iwa cursed their closeness and the habits burned into them due to it. He did _not_ want to walk with Oikawa. Not now.

Maybe soon, but not the morning after.

He let himself trail slightly behind and he glanced over his friend.

Swallowing, he let his mind make connections. That was the same person he’d done those things with last night. The same ass that was on his lap, basically controlling his hard-on with every shift. The same back that felt strong and smooth and warm under his face and hands. The same throat that he… 

_Stop._

But no, he couldn’t stop now.

He closed in a bit more to examine the skin on Tooru’s neck more closely.

Though they’d gotten intimate last night, it was only a sliver of what he’d wanted for years.

His memories were teasing him. He wanted so much more.

Now he knew how _soft_ Oikawa’s neck was… he didn’t know how it tasted. 

He knew how his ass felt through at least two layers of clothing. 

He needed it to be zero.

_Stop._

_Please stop._

But he couldn’t stop himself.

He halted his steps and grabbed Oikawa’s hand.

It was shocking how perfectly they fit together.

Oikawa was tugged back, and he turned around with raised eyebrows. 

He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing but air escaped his lips when he felt himself get pulled in by the front of his belt. Iwa’s other hand slid up to his waist and held him there, daring him to pull away. 

Iwa spoke a thousands words with his eyes, now inches from Tooru’s. His mouth hung slightly ajar, while his gaze slowly trickled downwards… he was hungry.

He brought his lips to the palest patch of skin on the left of Tooru’s neck. Gentle at first, pulling away after staying for a moment.

“Iwa?” His voice cracked.

Iwa couldn’t hear him, or he chose not to because he pressed his mouth against the same patch of skin again-- lips parted now, tongue sliding up to really get the taste. It helped that Tooru had tilted his head to the side now, allowing him to continue. The brunet’s hand pressed against his abdomen; as encouragement or a sign to slow down, it didn’t matter in the moment.

He sucked the skin, knowing fully now that he was leaving a mark. But he couldn’t just stop. Not when the hand below his belly button gripped his shirt more tightly, and the lips over his ear whimpered just enough to fuel him. 

It was the middle of the afternoon, and they were outside. But this was so irrelevant to them now.

“Iwa, stop-” 

After a few minutes, Iwaizumi felt himself forcefully pushed away. He wiped his mouth with his jacket sleeve, staring at his chest until the brunet spoke up again.

“Are we gonna talk about last night now?”

Iwa looked up and met his eyes, glowing with an emotion he couldn’t recognize.

_Talk about last night?_

_Oh, we_ were _supposed to do that._

He shook his head _no_. Not ready.

This apparently wasn’t the right thing to do. Oikawa’s hand traveled to his neck, where there was now a reddish-purple mark.

“Why?”

The voice was pained and confused, and it hurt the deepest parts of Iwa’s soul. 

He couldn’t answer. He just knew that if they’d talked about any of it, everything in his life would be at risk.

Everything.

Their friendship, the team, Nabe. 

He had to be responsible.

Iwa opened his mouth once, closed it, then opened it again.

“I’m gonna go home, Oikawa.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyyyyyyyyyyy lol  
> weird abrupt ending, ik  
> hope you enjoy!


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